Though I stumble, I won't fall..

Psalm 37:23-24

The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I'm always coming back to this place

where I'm the one hurting, searching for Your face

Why do I keep trying to take hold of the reigns?

Why do I bend until I finally break?

But my shaken world can't crumble,

You hold it with Your hand

Even when all I do is wonder,

where in the world I'll land.

You'll forever be my constant,

the Rock on which I stand,

though I stumble I won't fall 

You hold me with Your hand.

Though I stumble I won't fall,

You hold me with Your hand.

Teach me the difference between giving up,

and letting go.

Break me into pieces until

Your healing is all I know.

I'll fall on You, Jesus.

I'll fall on Your grace.

Inexpressible

This love. This joy. This peace.
It's a river flowing through my veins, quenching every vessel.
It's a fire burning in my heart, igniting every beat.
My heart breaks at the inability to tell it all.
My breath comes short to sing of His glory. 
My soul yearns for His presence.
It yearns to see His face, to kiss His lips, to be held in His arms.
My soul longs to rest at His feet, to serve Him humbly, to wash His feet with my tears.

Oh my God, there are no words.

Nothing can explain, nothing can contain, nothing can retain, nothing can detain this
overwhelming,
everlasting,
all consuming, 
never ending,
unrelenting,
beautiful,
graceful,
majestic,
peaceful, 
and satisfying 


love. 



For too long I thought of God as merely a deity, a far-off being that tells me what to do and that helps when I need Him. 
But He's so much more.
He's so much closer.
Closer than any human being could ever be. Closer than even my conscience. 
Closer than my own awareness of myself.
He's a part of me. We are one.
He lives inside of me. 
We are invited to have an intimate relationship with Him. 
He knows everything about us, and loves us anyway.
He is everything we've ever longed for. 
Every desire fulfilled.
He is the man of my dreams.
He is the very beat of my heart.
He is my first and last love. 
His deepest desire is to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires. 
He's a hopeless romantic.
He's mine, and I am His. 
He's the greatest love story of all time. 


And,
when we finally make it home, 
all these words that can't be uttered,
this love that can't be comprehended, 
the knowledge of the goodness of God,
and the unsearchable and unfathomable things of His love 
will all be revealed. 
As soon as we step into the glory of His presence,
understanding will hit us like a tidal wave. 
This fire that couldn't break out of my being before will consume me and I will see Him for who He is.
I will understand the depths of His love. 
I will finally be able to proclaim and express the deep and everlasting love and fullness of Him. 

And my only response will be to worship Him for the rest of eternity. 
And not even eternity will be long enough to sing of His glory. 

Job 5:18

Job 5:18

"For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal."

Why do we wander through the wilderness?

So that we find the Promise Land

Why do we go through famine?

So we can have a harvest.

Why are we consumed by the fire?

So life can be renewed.

Why are we wounded?

So we can be healed.

Why do we experience winter?

So we are blessed even more by the summer.

Why do we walk through darkness?

So the light is so much brighter.

Why does everything change?

So we cling to the One who doesn't.

We experience the bad so that God's good is so much better.

God allows us to be broken so that He can reveal Himself as the ultimate healer.

He allows us to wander through the wilderness so that He can prove that He never forgot His promises.

He knows that without the darkness, we would never notice His light.

He knows that without the winter, we wouldn't appreciate His summer.

He knows that the only way to be renewed is through the fire. 

He knows that the regrowth is so much more beautiful when it comes from ashes. 

And He loves revealing Himself in the end. 

We're always surprised when He shows up. But He's not. 

He does it on purpose. His heart breaks with ours, but His joy abounds with ours when He gets to put the pieces back together in front of our awestruck eyes. 

He wrote the end of the story, along with every step it takes to get there. So why are we surprised when we realize that the steps we took really did have a purpose? Why are we surprised when He works it out?

He wants to empty us  of ourselves, so He can fill us to overflowing with Him.

He wants to make us so sick and tired of the food of this world that we realize our deeper hunger for Him. 

Through the healing of our broken hearts, they learn to beat for Him. 

We're out of breath from running away, so that His breath of life can fill our lungs. 

Our broken bones make us immobile so that He can carry us.

We hunger so He can satisfy.

We fall so He can pick us up.

We search so He can be found.

And we get lost so He can find us. 

God created the cycles of this life as a direct parallel to His everlasting love for us. So often we are blinded by the circumstances, and fail to see His plan being unfolded through them.

Hallelujah.

Beautifully broken.

It's that place of brokenness that we all dread. 
When you hit the dead end. 
When you fall to the cold ground. 
When you wake up someone unfamiliar.
When your whole world falls apart. 

But brokenness is beautiful. Because how can we be healed if we're not broken?
How can we be found if we're not lost?

Brokenness is beautiful, because that's when God puts you back together. 
He will allow us to be broken, so He can show His almighty love by picking up the pieces. 
He will pick up the pieces and put us back together as a new creation. 


We should want to be broken. We should want to be weak. We should want to be anything other than unbreakable. 
Because in our brokenness and weakness, God's healing and strength is radiantly revealed. 

He will not waste the pain. He will remedy and heal until you know that it's only because of His great love, only by His abundant grace, and all for His glory. 



Blessed are the lost, for they will be found. 
And blessed are the broken, for they will be healed. Matthew 5 (paraphrased by Morgan).


Brokenness is beautiful, because it leads to surrender.
Surrender is beautiful because it leads to healing. 
And healing, because it leads to praise. 

Broken toys

We're all broken people.
We're missing parts that we've lost on the long journey. 
We don't work like we were manufactured to work.


We're all just broken toys. 


With missing parts and dead batteries and melted plastic. 
The wear and tear of everyday life has broken us to the point of being unfixable. 
Our flaws would never pass a safety inspection. They're a choking hazard. 
We belong in the box labeled "yard sale" or "donate".
We deserve to be thrown away. 


Because we broke ourselves. And we broke each other. 
We played recklessly on playgrounds and loved only ourselves. 
We were doomed from the moment we left the factory. 
As soon as the seal on our package was opened for us to be revealed to the real world, we were flawed with scratches and bite marks that super glue can only do so much to fix.  
Our brokenness is past the point of fixable. We will never be the same shiny collector's item that left the warehouse. 
Our flaws have made us worthless. 


But how is that our fault if we were doomed from the start?
We were invented--not by choice. 
We were created against our will to live in this prison where we are damned to be broken. 




But thank God that we have the chance to be set free from our pending doom. 
Thank God we have a healing remedy stronger than any super glue. 
Thank God we have the chance to be remade.
Thank God that our broken parts can be recycled and made into a new creation.
A new creation with the freedom to be made new over and over again, not bound by the filth around, and not destined to be broken forever. 
Thank God we can be rescued from the labeled boxes and garbage cans.
Thank God someone decided we were worth a great price and thank God that price was paid.
Thank God we were purchased for the purpose to be set free. 
Thank God.


We're all broken people.
We're all broken toys.
But thank God we have a healer.
And thank God our God is GREEN. 

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, and the new is here!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

The innards of my being.

The innocence of a child.
The wisdom in wrinkles of old age.
The joy in the song of the birds. The sorrow in a voice.
Someone's unspoken pain.
The courage and strength in a victory.
Injustice.
The beauty seeping out of a person's heart.
Mistakes made by loved ones.
The passion in my soul.
When I want to help, but I just can't.
Grace.
My undeserved salvation.
And the adventure of this dynamic life
make me cry.
And I love it.

It's no coincidence.

It's no coincidence that the very love we long, thirst, and search for, the love that can't be found anywhere else, is the very love of God.


It's not by chance that the hole inside each of us can only be filled and satisfied by Jesus.


We were created to need our Creator. 
We were created to have a desire for love. 
God created us that way on purpose.
So that we would search and search and find that He is the love we so desperately desire.
So that we would find Jesus is the puzzle piece that fits perfectly inside each of us. 


We were created empty so that we could have the joy of being filled to the fullest by Him. 


And it's no mystery that we have that emptiness,
we have that need for true love. 
There's no question that everything apart from Christ brings only temporary satisfaction. 


It's no coincidence. 

The Power of Imperfection

I don't know why we feel like we have to be perfect.

We're all aware of just how imperfect we are, so why do we feel like we have to put on that facade and pretend like we're more perfect than everyone else?


Maybe because we think if we act like it enough, we'll become it, or at least believe it ourselves.
Cause no one likes looking in the mirror and seeing all their flaws. It's overwhelming.
And we think it's our responsibility as humans to fix, fix, fix everything we find wrong with us.




As Jefferson Bethke said in Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus,

"If grace is water, then the church should be an ocean
It's not a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken.
Which means I don't have to hide my failure, I don't have to hide my sin
Because it doesn't depend on me it depends on him."

Church is not a museum for the healthy, it's a hospital for the sick.

And if we could all just admit to each other that we're sick, how much more could we be healed?

If we could stop nervously glancing around the room during a convicting sermon, hoping that no one can tell what we're thinking, then maybe we could really look inside ourselves and let ourselves be healed. 

Maybe if we could all admit to being sick, our sickness wouldn't be so shameful knowing that countless people have the same disease, and countless people who have overcome it, can help us overcome. 

But, this doesn't only apply to churches. It applies to all humanity in general.

We know all the right words to say. 

We know how to make it look like we're perfect. 

And we do this because everyone else knows how to make it look like they're perfect too.

It's a vicious cycle.

We look around at all the people who supposedly have it together, and think we need to hide the mess inside ourselves. 

We stuff the dirty laundry under our beds without realizing that they're doing the same thing. 

But from where we stand, everyone else's rooms look clean and tidy. 

Everyone else looks healthy because we don't see the viruses attacking them on the inside.  

We all want to be more perfect than everyone else, for no other reason than pride. 

And we succeed at seeming more perfect, so everyone else around us feels like they need to reach the same standard. The standard that doesn't exist. The standard that was oppressed on us to by someone else. And someone else on them. And someone else on them. 

And the vicious cycle continues. 

Genuinity is a lost virtue. 

Transparency.

Honesty.

Our desire to look perfect is only more symptomatic of our imperfection.

And we're all guilty. We're all sick. 

We all put on masks to gain respect, power, praise, etc., all for the sake of pride--built on the foundation of a lie.

But transparency is beautiful.

The ability to be vulnerable is beautiful.

The humility to open ourselves up for criticism, mockery, judgement, or shame, is beautiful.

Because while we open ourselves up to those, we open ourselves up to healing and love also.

And then we give someone else the opportunity to be transparent, knowing that they're not alone. 

This is not a vicious cycle, but a renewing cycle. 

The more we are willing to be open and honest about our imperfections, the more we allow others to be. 

The moment we all decide to stop pretending we're perfect, is the moment we can truly love each other. 

And the cycle of renewal will continue, giving us the power to change the world. 

But it all starts within ourselves. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Mark 2:17
Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Death and Taxes

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." 

-C.S. Lewis

Never has death seemed so real to me.
And still, it doesn't seem that real. 


I think it's so crazy that life can just stop.
Just cease.


Where heart beats, brain waves, and muscle movements once existed, now is a cold and lifeless corpse.


Where there once was a human being with a soul, now is just an uninhabited body.


Our bodies are amazing enough, but add life to them and they're completely incomprehensible. 
God takes our bodies and give them thoughts, and memories, and a spirit, and all these things that science can't explain. 

And we live. We're alive. We spend years and years trapped in this body when all at once 20, 40, 65, 87, 100 years are gone and the life in that body is no more. 


How can it be that a body so full of life, can cease to have life in it at all?


How can it be that a simple heart beat pumping blood to our organs is the determining factor for where our souls are living? 
Where our being, our soul, our self is, is determined by oxygen and brain activity. And heart beats. 


In a moment, every bit of unexplainable life can be gone and all that's left is the body that held it to this earth. 


We are not our bodies, and life is not only what we can see. 
We are the spirit and the soul that inhabits these bodies for the time being.




It's easy to kill a body. All that has to be done is stopping a heart. But can you kill the soul that makes the body alive? Can you diminish from existence the spirit that makes the body a person?


No.


So when all that's left is the body, abandoned and deserted, we can only conclude that the soul goes somewhere. 


And when you know where it's going, death doesn't seem so scary. 

In honor of this Easter day.

Ephesians 1:7

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace"

This has been on my mind for quite a while. 


For as long as I can remember, I wanted God to show me His love. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to know without a doubt that He loved me, like everyone told me He did. 


And despite my tests, I never felt it the way I wanted. You know, like that overwhelming, can't-breathe, I-feel-so-warm-and-fuzzy, feeling. 


And I finally realized that it wasn't God's fault, it was mine.


It wasn't a problem of God failing to show His love, it was me failing to recognize it. 
He already showed me his love in the truest way possible. 


Romans 5:8 
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


In that while I was still a sinner, He died for me. 
Key words being, "still a sinner". 


I always kinda felt like that wasn't really a big deal. 


Like, yeah, a lot of people have done some really bad things, but I'm not that bad.
Yeah, I sin, but not as bad as some people. 


And I didn't understand until I realized that I am just as bad as the worst of the worst. 


Because it's all the same in God's eyes. No matter how big or small, every sin is humanity thinking that we're okay on our own, that we don't need the creator of the universe to tell us what to do. 


I am human. Like everyone else. And I am a sinner. Like everyone else. 


When I realized that, the cross became so much more incredible. 
When Christ died, I wasn't born yet. Obviously.
But He knew I would sin.
He knew every nook and cranny of my disgusting heart and still died for me. 


Would I die for someone knowing that they would deny the very fact that I died?
Would I do it knowing they would just curse my name in response?
Knowing they would speak evil against me, live contrary to everything I taught them in love, and knowing they wouldn't believe it?
Would I die for someone knowing that they were the very ones killing me?


Say, a judge is convicted of a crime and given the death sentence. 
I decide that I want to die in his place (if that were legal), knowing full well that he's guilty of the crime and deserves to die. 
Then, he is the one to sign off on my arrest and personally order my execution, maybe even execute me himself.


Now, say I knew all of this ahead of time. Would I still die for him? Would I love him so much that no matter what he did to me, I still want him to have the chance at a full and abundant life?


There's no way I would.


But Jesus did.


He died for everyone. Not just the people that believed. Not just the pastors and the missionaries and the Sunday school teacher. He died for everyone. 
The murderers.
The adulterers.
The thiefs.
The liars.
The impure.
The ungrateful.
The gossips.
The sex-slave trader.
The slave.
The disobedient.
The alcoholics.
The pornography-viewers.
The abusive.
The prideful.
The foolish.
The rich.
The poor.
Everyone.


Because He wanted every single one of us to have the chance at a full and abundant life. 
Knowing that many would deny Him, hate Him, persecute His people. Knowing that even those who do love Him, still betray, deny, and fall away.






It's not about God proving His love to us over and over, because He does, but we won't ever understand, be able to accept that love, or even see it until we realize how much we desperately need it. When we realize that, we see that it's been in front of us the whole time. And we see without a shadow of a doubt that we cannot possibly go on living without it. 




When I stopped thinking that God owed it to me to prove that He loves me, and started realizing how desperately I need that love, I saw that that very love is everywhere. 


He already went to the extremes to prove His love.
He still fights for my selfish little heart moment by moment.
He hasn't given up on me even through all the times I've given up on Him. 
That is how he shows His love, and that's all he wants us to do: be so caught up in the waves of His unfailing and perfect love that we use all our hearts, strength, and souls to love Him in return. 


This love that persists through my wandering and selfishness is so humbling. Thank you, Jesus.

Happy Easter, everyone. 

Cells, rocks, and sinking sand.

"Remember who you are and what you stand for"

My dad

He would say this almost every time I left the house in high school. And still does on occasion. 

He says it as a joke, of course, and I remember rolling my eyes the first time he said it thinking "of course I'm not gonna forget who I am or where I stand." 

Though he says it as a joke, I know he really means it, and I never really gave it a second thought. 

Well, what if don't know who I am or what I stand for? What if I think I do but both are so easily swayed like a blade of grass in the wind?

Back when he would say it to me the most, I definitely didn't know. 

I would leave the house one person and come home another. 

And I still do. 

I've recently been challenged, by I don't really know what, to look at myself and decide who I am, who I want to be, and what unfaltering things I stand for. 

Because if you don't know who you are, you'll become anything. And if you don't know where you stand, you'll fall.

So, I wrote down a list of who I know I am. 

And a list of who I want to be. (Which I know is boring, so if you want to see, go here: Sincerely.) 

And then I wrote down a list of what I stand for. The things I know without a doubt that I want to fight for. 

The things that keep me grounded.

The solid rocks that I build my life around, or strive to build my life around. (Which are less boring, so they'll probably have a post of their own someday.)

And it helped me so much to make the things I've been taught my whole life tangible and visible. To be able to pick and choose the things to discard and the things to keep. To have a reference of these things so I never forget again. 

I think we so easily forget. 

It's sad. We forget

who we are, 

our purpose,

and the things that keep our feet from slipping.

I forget so often. I let myself be swayed by the standards of society, or the standards of other people, and forget that I have standards of my own. Standards that I shouldn't be willing to compromise. 

I forget that each cell of my body is there for a purpose, along with each thought and emotion. I forget that my feet belong on these solid rocks and everywhere else is sinking sand. 

Remember 

who you are and what you stand for.

Because if you don't know who you are, you'll become anything. And if you don't know where you stand, you'll fall. 

love, love, love

I see what I want to see. 

I hear what I want to hear. 

This is naivety. 

I see people for who they are, but ignore all the bad parts.
Because I don't like how it feels to dislike someone.
I don't like how it feels to want to make them see their flaws as if I don't have any of my own.
I don't like thinking that people can be anything but good and pure in heart and motive. 
I choose to ignore their flaws because it's easier to love them that way.
And I love to love people.


But that's not love at all.


God's love, the ultimate love, was shown in that Christ died for us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). 
He knew every disgusting crevice of our wandering hearts and still chose to hang on the cross, with the weight of every person's sin that has ever and will live on his shoulders. 




Love doesn't mean-- "pretend they're perfect". Love is not dependent on perfection. True love has no bounds and true love perseveres through every fault. Love is definitely not ignoring someone's flaws because that makes them easier to love. 


Love wasn't meant to be easy, because nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. 
Love wasn't meant to be easy, because how else would we know that the kind of love that is so impossibly hard for us, is so amazingly easy for the One and only One that it comes easy for? 
How else would we be able to grasp how small and imperfect our love is in comparison to how wide and long and high and deep the love of our creator is?






Love is knowing someone's not perfect, but sacrificing yourself for them anyway. Love is knowing that people are mean, and selfish, and impure, and deciding to treat them as if they aren't.
Love is seeing someone's many flaws, but knowing your own flaws are just as great or greater in number. 




You can't know someone unless you know all their flaws too. 
You can love anyone. But you can't truly love someone until you know them, flaws and all, and decide to love them anyway. That's all anyone wants: to be completely known and loved anyway. 




It's hard to love someone that isn't perfect. 
It's hard to love someone that doesn't love you.


But love is always the answer. 


  

The pits.

We live on a path.


And sometimes we choose to step off of this path.
Out of curiosity, maybe rebellion, or because the grass seems greener over there.


Without any marked trail to follow we misstep, stumble, and fall.


That's okay, as long as we get back up, and realize that we should probably follow our bread crumb trail back to the path.


But sometimes we fall in holes. Or pits.


Those falls are hard, and fast.
And the pits are deep, dark, and cold.


All our strength is gone from trudging through the wilderness so we're tired and weak. And we wanna just lay there for a while on the nice cold ground. A break from searching. A break from walking.


Then, once we start to feel the pain of our broken bones, and the hardness of the ground, we wonder how we got there in the first place.
It seems like we just took a brief scenic route, so how did it lead here?


It never takes too long to lose yourself. And you don't realize you've wandered...until you're lost.
Until you're lying, broken, on the cold floor of that deep pit, do you realize the steps you took to get there.


And so you start to climb out, ironically, healing on the way.


And it takes a while.


But it's worth it.


Because once your face is warmed again by the sun, and your weary feet touch the soft green grass, you'll look back and be grateful. 


Grateful for what you learned and grateful for the grace you were given to climb out.




And you'll never go back.

Losing Control

I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

I'm not a controlling person, I don't think, when it comes to other people. But when it comes to myself, I will fight like crazy to control my life. 

I've realized this off an on throughout my life, but I just recently realized the extremity of my need to control. 

I tell myself I'm trusting that everything will work out for my benefit. I tell myself that I don't need to worry about my future because it's already planned out, and it won't be the way I plan it anyway.

But my actions prove differently. 

I don't know why I'm so scared to just let go of everything I want. 

All these passions and dreams I have are great,  but they can also be binding of my true purpose.

I want to control. Particularly, I want to control my dreams.

I let my love for dance, music, people, nutrition, fitness, you name it, become goals and plans rather than gifts to be used for the purpose of serving God and people. Just because I'm interested in something, doesn't mean it's a sign that I have to pursue it. 

Dream #1: Dance

I came to SUU to dance. Because I love it so much, knowing deep down that it's selfish for me. I love dance because it makes me feel good. I love dance because it's a way of expressing myself in ways that I can't express otherwise. I love dance because it's challenging, and it feels so good when I see improvement. I love dance because it's beautiful. 

And that's selfish. I don't do it because it makes other people feel good.  I wish that I could say I do it for other people. But I do it for me, and only me.

And for a long time I was unwilling to consider any other option for my life. 

I begged God not to make me give it up. Literally, begging Him. I still do. 

It's pure pride. It's not a God given talent that I can use in ways to glorify Him.  

I wasn't born a dancer. 

It's something I've worked at and made myself to be. I used to be super awkward, but through dedication and practice I've gotten better. 

I take pride in that. Not outwardly, but internally. 

I don't give God the credit for any of it because it's something I decided to do, something I put the work into, and something I get the benefit for. 

I've realized my love for dance is prideful, selfish, and unsatisfying. 

So, I fought God on this subject for a long time. I pursued this vain dream of being a performer and choreographer, trying to fit God in it, rather than pursuing God and letting Him fit this dream in somewhere. 

I hate that I came to this realization. Because I want so much to be blind to any other controlling force in my life. And I want so much to live that life of a dancer. Auditioning, rehearsing, performing, choreographing. The more I do it, the more I love it. 

But something has to give. It doesn't get more satisfying the more I do it, and God's whisper on my selfish heart isn't just going to go away. I will forever feel guilty that I'm pursuing the passion I created, rather than the passion that God gave me.

So, I'm trying my best to give God the control of this dream. 

I'm giving it up. I will continue to take dance classes, possibly audition, but I need to set my focus elsewhere, and trust that God will grant me this dream if or when I'm ready to use it for His purpose. 

I will never be able to clearly see God's will if I'm looking for it through my peripheral vision. 

Dream #2: Music

Ever since I was a tiny little girl, I wanted to be a singer. Like Brittney Spears. Oh man, that's all I ever wanted in life. 

And I still do. NOT like Brittney Spears, thank God, but I still have a desire to write music, and be in a touring band, with fans, and merchandise, and the whole shebang. 

Now, this dream is a little better. Because I can give God the credit for any talent I posses, and because I feel like it's easier to use for God's glory and the helping of others.

But I'm still not satisfied, and I still use it for my pride. 

So, I have to give it up and trust that God will use it if that's His plan.

Dream #3: Marriage

This is a new realization. I've always wanted to get married. And therefore lived my life as such. Constantly looking at men as potentials, and constantly needing affirmation and attention. 

It's a part of my life that I felt like I could control. 

But I've been proven wrong. Oh boy, have I been proven wrong.

Through countless heartaches, I finally realized that the kind of love and relationship I want isn't going to come from anything I do. 

I'm not going to find it by myself, and searching for it only closes my mind that much more to God's will.

So, I'm changing my perspective.

I am pursuing singleness. 

I am stopping trying to control this area of my life.

I do not need a man to pursue God and His plans. 

I am nowhere near the woman I want to be, and the woman I know God has intended me to be.

I am nowhere near the woman that I would want my future husband to pursue. 

I have to pursue that woman, and find my identity alone before I could ever be a good wife or even girlfriend. 

I've realized my pursuit of men is selfish, prideful, and unsatisfying. So I'm giving it up. It's been my focus for too long. It's been a priority for too long. 

I want to be a servant. A warrior. An advocate for the One that loves me more than any human could.

I want to be that kind of woman that when my feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up." 

I need to be as effective as possible before I could possibly be effective with someone else. 

So I'm giving up this pursuit of marriage, and trusting that God will bring me to the right person in His perfect timing. If I'm supposed to get married at all. 

Dream #4: People

God gave me a burning passion in my soul to help people, and to serve them in any way I can. 

This is my purpose in life. This is what brings me the most satisfaction. So this is what I will pursue. 

I will pursue all the ways I can serve people to the best of my ability. 

And I will trust that in doing this God will bring me to my ultimate purpose in a career, marriage, or dream. 

The more I try to control my life, the more I can't.

The more I follow my own will, the more unsatisfied and left wanting more I am.

 I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

Wow

Life is beautiful.
Humanity is beautiful.
Struggle is beautiful.


Because God's love, 
                                grace,
                                           passion,
                                                           power,
                                                                       and purpose

radiates fantastically through it all.

Unfathomable

If God can be understood, defined, achieved, comprehended, or even the least bit fathomed,
it's not God.

"I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me." 

Donald Miller

The open road.

Is it wrong to trust God to turn a mistake you made into something good? I feel like it is, but I feel like it's wrong to feel like that...




Everything happens for a reason, I believe that with everything I am. 
But even things that are in my control?
The mistakes and choices I make- do I make them for a reason, or because I make them, does God then come up with a reason?




Destiny, fate, and God's will is hard to grasp.
How do we know the difference between what's destined to be and our own will? 


The way I see it, we're all on our own planned path.
On that path there are roadblocks, detours, valleys, hills, boulders, furry animals, etc., (a.k.a. blessings and trials) that were placed there for a reason. 
Also along this path are choices, or forks in the road in which one way leads to something different than the other. 


This is where I get lost... what if you choose the wrong path? 
Is a completely different plan and purpose created? Or does this path eventually converge back with the original plan? 


The great thing is, no matter which way we choose, we're most likely unaware whether it was the right choice or not because life moves along, the path keeps going, and we have no idea where it's going. 
We don't know when it meets up with the original, and we don't know if it doesn't, and we don't know if we're even on the wrong or right path.




Which brings me to another question: Is there a 'wrong' or 'right' path?



The 'right' path, I think, is the original. If both options at the fork in the road are beneficial and in tune with what you believe morally, then I think both are right. 


The 'wrong' path, I think, is anything but the original. 


Because of our free-will, we have the option to step off this path at any point in time and trudge through the wilderness. 
In doing that, we miss the hills and furry animals on the original path. 


So back to my first question: do we eventually find our way back to the original, or is a new path created because of our choice to step off the original?






I just don't know, and I don't think I ever will. Sigh.