Leap Year

So, it's February 29th. That's cool. Cause it only happens every 4 years.


And I couldn't help but wonder who I'll be on the next leap year.


A lot can happen in 4 years. A lot. I could be in a foreign country (hopefully) for all I know.
I could be married (hopefully not).
I could be still going to school, grad school, or some other school.
I could be pursuing my career. 
I could be a mom!


I don't know!


But, I'm so excited to find out. 


I can't wait to see who I am, where I am, who I'm with, all I've done, all I've learned on February 29, 2016. 

The pits.

We live on a path.


And sometimes we choose to step off of this path.
Out of curiosity, maybe rebellion, or because the grass seems greener over there.


Without any marked trail to follow we misstep, stumble, and fall.


That's okay, as long as we get back up, and realize that we should probably follow our bread crumb trail back to the path.


But sometimes we fall in holes. Or pits.


Those falls are hard, and fast.
And the pits are deep, dark, and cold.


All our strength is gone from trudging through the wilderness so we're tired and weak. And we wanna just lay there for a while on the nice cold ground. A break from searching. A break from walking.


Then, once we start to feel the pain of our broken bones, and the hardness of the ground, we wonder how we got there in the first place.
It seems like we just took a brief scenic route, so how did it lead here?


It never takes too long to lose yourself. And you don't realize you've wandered...until you're lost.
Until you're lying, broken, on the cold floor of that deep pit, do you realize the steps you took to get there.


And so you start to climb out, ironically, healing on the way.


And it takes a while.


But it's worth it.


Because once your face is warmed again by the sun, and your weary feet touch the soft green grass, you'll look back and be grateful. 


Grateful for what you learned and grateful for the grace you were given to climb out.




And you'll never go back.

Choose Wisely

We make choices, without realizing in that moment how much they affect the rest of our lives.






And if we thought a little longer about the outcome,


weighed the pros and cons,


considered the pain,


imagined our future, 


where would we be? Would we have made the same choice?


And if those choices hadn't been made,


would fate take over and make that choice for us anyway ? 




The choices we make reflect the person we are, and the person we're becoming. 
The choices we make affect so much more than we can see. It's a butterfly effect of chain reactions for all eternity. 


We look back at the big decisions, the small decisions, the bad ones and the good ones. And we may laugh. Or cry. Depending on how much time has passed.


And we can't help but wonder, what if?




Sometimes there's no possible way of predicting the outcome and we have to dive in head first to find out.


Sometimes the outcome is clear.
Sometimes the outcome is obviously bad, but we choose it anyway.
Sometimes the outcome is obviously good, so we take advantage of it.


Sometimes, we ignore the outcome completely, and make blind decisions based on what we want now. 


Those are the worst kind. 
Though they may bring temporary happiness, it always ends. 


Sometimes, when it does end, we still can't admit to ourselves that it was a bad decision, therefore preventing us from learning. 
Therefore causing us to make the same decision again. And again. Until we just don't care anymore. 




But as much as those mistakes sting down the road, 


how else would we experience the grace that erases them?


These choices we make may push people out of our lives that we never wanted out,


they may change our plans,


they may break our hearts,


they may cause some unwanted drama,


but what if that's the point of it all?




What if our potential is in the way we rise from the mess we've made?
What if beauty hides in the unwanted change of direction?
What if?




Don't you want to find out?

What do you do when...

The one thing that you know you want is potentially not meant to be?
When you've spent years planning your life around a dream that has ended up being unfulfilling and dissatisfying?
When you feel like you're not on the path you're supposed to be on?
When you want too many things, but you can't have it all?
When you know what you want, but you have no idea how to go about in getting it?
What do you do?


You don't do anything. 
You stop.
You take a deep breath.
You remember that life is out of control no matter how much you try to control it.
You acknowledge your flawed way of thinking when you try to take life by the reins.
You realize that there's no possible way to plan every last detail. 




You take one moment at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time, and trust that everything is going to work out just fine. 


Because it's never going to work out the way we plan anyway. And that's okay, because the things that are most satisfying, that come from walking blindly forward, exceed everything we could possibly imagine or dream.

Morse Code

You know that feeling... 
when your heart rate increases, and you start breathing heavier.


Each beat of your heart feels like it's trying to break out of your chest. 


It hurts because it's longing for something. It's crying for something it can't have, but at the same time it feels content. 
It's craving something, but you don't know what.
  
Like something is tugging at it, urging it to leap out of your body but all you feel is the painful fact that it's stuck there.

Imprisoned, containing only the ability to do human things like pump blood through your veins and deliver oxygen to your organs. 
It's defined by boundaries instead of doing what it wants to do--beat freely. 


It's like you're grasping for air that you can't quite reach. 
Your lungs are collapsing and no matter how deep your breaths, your heart is not satisfied with the shallowness of the flesh that detains it.


It can't beat through electric impulses alone. 
Often it forgets it's true desire and just sustains the life it was given responsibility of. But it needs more. It needs to be fed. It needs to love. 
It needs to somehow tell the body that it wasn't only made for these menial tasks. 


So it beats faster. 
It requires more oxygen. 
It tries to jump out of the rib cage that hides it from the world just to get your attention; to make you listen to the message hidden like Morse Code in the beats that you ignore daily. 






Your heart is telling you something. Listen. 

Losing Control

I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

I'm not a controlling person, I don't think, when it comes to other people. But when it comes to myself, I will fight like crazy to control my life. 

I've realized this off an on throughout my life, but I just recently realized the extremity of my need to control. 

I tell myself I'm trusting that everything will work out for my benefit. I tell myself that I don't need to worry about my future because it's already planned out, and it won't be the way I plan it anyway.

But my actions prove differently. 

I don't know why I'm so scared to just let go of everything I want. 

All these passions and dreams I have are great,  but they can also be binding of my true purpose.

I want to control. Particularly, I want to control my dreams.

I let my love for dance, music, people, nutrition, fitness, you name it, become goals and plans rather than gifts to be used for the purpose of serving God and people. Just because I'm interested in something, doesn't mean it's a sign that I have to pursue it. 

Dream #1: Dance

I came to SUU to dance. Because I love it so much, knowing deep down that it's selfish for me. I love dance because it makes me feel good. I love dance because it's a way of expressing myself in ways that I can't express otherwise. I love dance because it's challenging, and it feels so good when I see improvement. I love dance because it's beautiful. 

And that's selfish. I don't do it because it makes other people feel good.  I wish that I could say I do it for other people. But I do it for me, and only me.

And for a long time I was unwilling to consider any other option for my life. 

I begged God not to make me give it up. Literally, begging Him. I still do. 

It's pure pride. It's not a God given talent that I can use in ways to glorify Him.  

I wasn't born a dancer. 

It's something I've worked at and made myself to be. I used to be super awkward, but through dedication and practice I've gotten better. 

I take pride in that. Not outwardly, but internally. 

I don't give God the credit for any of it because it's something I decided to do, something I put the work into, and something I get the benefit for. 

I've realized my love for dance is prideful, selfish, and unsatisfying. 

So, I fought God on this subject for a long time. I pursued this vain dream of being a performer and choreographer, trying to fit God in it, rather than pursuing God and letting Him fit this dream in somewhere. 

I hate that I came to this realization. Because I want so much to be blind to any other controlling force in my life. And I want so much to live that life of a dancer. Auditioning, rehearsing, performing, choreographing. The more I do it, the more I love it. 

But something has to give. It doesn't get more satisfying the more I do it, and God's whisper on my selfish heart isn't just going to go away. I will forever feel guilty that I'm pursuing the passion I created, rather than the passion that God gave me.

So, I'm trying my best to give God the control of this dream. 

I'm giving it up. I will continue to take dance classes, possibly audition, but I need to set my focus elsewhere, and trust that God will grant me this dream if or when I'm ready to use it for His purpose. 

I will never be able to clearly see God's will if I'm looking for it through my peripheral vision. 

Dream #2: Music

Ever since I was a tiny little girl, I wanted to be a singer. Like Brittney Spears. Oh man, that's all I ever wanted in life. 

And I still do. NOT like Brittney Spears, thank God, but I still have a desire to write music, and be in a touring band, with fans, and merchandise, and the whole shebang. 

Now, this dream is a little better. Because I can give God the credit for any talent I posses, and because I feel like it's easier to use for God's glory and the helping of others.

But I'm still not satisfied, and I still use it for my pride. 

So, I have to give it up and trust that God will use it if that's His plan.

Dream #3: Marriage

This is a new realization. I've always wanted to get married. And therefore lived my life as such. Constantly looking at men as potentials, and constantly needing affirmation and attention. 

It's a part of my life that I felt like I could control. 

But I've been proven wrong. Oh boy, have I been proven wrong.

Through countless heartaches, I finally realized that the kind of love and relationship I want isn't going to come from anything I do. 

I'm not going to find it by myself, and searching for it only closes my mind that much more to God's will.

So, I'm changing my perspective.

I am pursuing singleness. 

I am stopping trying to control this area of my life.

I do not need a man to pursue God and His plans. 

I am nowhere near the woman I want to be, and the woman I know God has intended me to be.

I am nowhere near the woman that I would want my future husband to pursue. 

I have to pursue that woman, and find my identity alone before I could ever be a good wife or even girlfriend. 

I've realized my pursuit of men is selfish, prideful, and unsatisfying. So I'm giving it up. It's been my focus for too long. It's been a priority for too long. 

I want to be a servant. A warrior. An advocate for the One that loves me more than any human could.

I want to be that kind of woman that when my feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up." 

I need to be as effective as possible before I could possibly be effective with someone else. 

So I'm giving up this pursuit of marriage, and trusting that God will bring me to the right person in His perfect timing. If I'm supposed to get married at all. 

Dream #4: People

God gave me a burning passion in my soul to help people, and to serve them in any way I can. 

This is my purpose in life. This is what brings me the most satisfaction. So this is what I will pursue. 

I will pursue all the ways I can serve people to the best of my ability. 

And I will trust that in doing this God will bring me to my ultimate purpose in a career, marriage, or dream. 

The more I try to control my life, the more I can't.

The more I follow my own will, the more unsatisfied and left wanting more I am.

 I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

Wow

Life is beautiful.
Humanity is beautiful.
Struggle is beautiful.


Because God's love, 
                                grace,
                                           passion,
                                                           power,
                                                                       and purpose

radiates fantastically through it all.