Inexpressible

This love. This joy. This peace.
It's a river flowing through my veins, quenching every vessel.
It's a fire burning in my heart, igniting every beat.
My heart breaks at the inability to tell it all.
My breath comes short to sing of His glory. 
My soul yearns for His presence.
It yearns to see His face, to kiss His lips, to be held in His arms.
My soul longs to rest at His feet, to serve Him humbly, to wash His feet with my tears.

Oh my God, there are no words.

Nothing can explain, nothing can contain, nothing can retain, nothing can detain this
overwhelming,
everlasting,
all consuming, 
never ending,
unrelenting,
beautiful,
graceful,
majestic,
peaceful, 
and satisfying 


love. 



For too long I thought of God as merely a deity, a far-off being that tells me what to do and that helps when I need Him. 
But He's so much more.
He's so much closer.
Closer than any human being could ever be. Closer than even my conscience. 
Closer than my own awareness of myself.
He's a part of me. We are one.
He lives inside of me. 
We are invited to have an intimate relationship with Him. 
He knows everything about us, and loves us anyway.
He is everything we've ever longed for. 
Every desire fulfilled.
He is the man of my dreams.
He is the very beat of my heart.
He is my first and last love. 
His deepest desire is to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires. 
He's a hopeless romantic.
He's mine, and I am His. 
He's the greatest love story of all time. 


And,
when we finally make it home, 
all these words that can't be uttered,
this love that can't be comprehended, 
the knowledge of the goodness of God,
and the unsearchable and unfathomable things of His love 
will all be revealed. 
As soon as we step into the glory of His presence,
understanding will hit us like a tidal wave. 
This fire that couldn't break out of my being before will consume me and I will see Him for who He is.
I will understand the depths of His love. 
I will finally be able to proclaim and express the deep and everlasting love and fullness of Him. 

And my only response will be to worship Him for the rest of eternity. 
And not even eternity will be long enough to sing of His glory. 

Job 5:18

Job 5:18

"For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal."

Why do we wander through the wilderness?

So that we find the Promise Land

Why do we go through famine?

So we can have a harvest.

Why are we consumed by the fire?

So life can be renewed.

Why are we wounded?

So we can be healed.

Why do we experience winter?

So we are blessed even more by the summer.

Why do we walk through darkness?

So the light is so much brighter.

Why does everything change?

So we cling to the One who doesn't.

We experience the bad so that God's good is so much better.

God allows us to be broken so that He can reveal Himself as the ultimate healer.

He allows us to wander through the wilderness so that He can prove that He never forgot His promises.

He knows that without the darkness, we would never notice His light.

He knows that without the winter, we wouldn't appreciate His summer.

He knows that the only way to be renewed is through the fire. 

He knows that the regrowth is so much more beautiful when it comes from ashes. 

And He loves revealing Himself in the end. 

We're always surprised when He shows up. But He's not. 

He does it on purpose. His heart breaks with ours, but His joy abounds with ours when He gets to put the pieces back together in front of our awestruck eyes. 

He wrote the end of the story, along with every step it takes to get there. So why are we surprised when we realize that the steps we took really did have a purpose? Why are we surprised when He works it out?

He wants to empty us  of ourselves, so He can fill us to overflowing with Him.

He wants to make us so sick and tired of the food of this world that we realize our deeper hunger for Him. 

Through the healing of our broken hearts, they learn to beat for Him. 

We're out of breath from running away, so that His breath of life can fill our lungs. 

Our broken bones make us immobile so that He can carry us.

We hunger so He can satisfy.

We fall so He can pick us up.

We search so He can be found.

And we get lost so He can find us. 

God created the cycles of this life as a direct parallel to His everlasting love for us. So often we are blinded by the circumstances, and fail to see His plan being unfolded through them.

Hallelujah.

Beautifully broken.

It's that place of brokenness that we all dread. 
When you hit the dead end. 
When you fall to the cold ground. 
When you wake up someone unfamiliar.
When your whole world falls apart. 

But brokenness is beautiful. Because how can we be healed if we're not broken?
How can we be found if we're not lost?

Brokenness is beautiful, because that's when God puts you back together. 
He will allow us to be broken, so He can show His almighty love by picking up the pieces. 
He will pick up the pieces and put us back together as a new creation. 


We should want to be broken. We should want to be weak. We should want to be anything other than unbreakable. 
Because in our brokenness and weakness, God's healing and strength is radiantly revealed. 

He will not waste the pain. He will remedy and heal until you know that it's only because of His great love, only by His abundant grace, and all for His glory. 



Blessed are the lost, for they will be found. 
And blessed are the broken, for they will be healed. Matthew 5 (paraphrased by Morgan).


Brokenness is beautiful, because it leads to surrender.
Surrender is beautiful because it leads to healing. 
And healing, because it leads to praise. 

Pan B

Do you ever feel like you're back at the beginning? Like you went through a whole cycle only to be back where you started. 
Everything you knew is now a question, and everything you questioned is now a bigger question. 

Plan A failed me. It ruined me. 
But how could I have known it would fail if I didn't take the risk? I couldn't. So I'm grateful. 

So now, here I am at Plan B. 
This plan consists of not really having a plan. 
And it scares the poop out of me. 

But maybe that's the secret. 
By planning every detail we've failed already because there's no way it'll all work out the way we planned. 
I guess that's the beauty of a Plan B. And C. And possibly D.
Process of elimination. 
But I'm sure after getting to Q, R, and S, starting over becomes the routine, and it would feel like it's time to just stick with the letter you're on. 
Settling. 
Which, isn't always a bad thing.

But even when we settle, we're still searching. 
Isn't it strange how life pulls us by  the constant ebbs and flows of its waves?
Isn't it interesting how little control we have? Swimming as hard as we can against the flow only causes us to grow tired. 

The shore is the goal. 
The warm sandy beach where we think we will finally be happy, we will finally be satisfied. 

But we're all human here. Maybe Michael Phelps is the exception, but the rest of us are no match for the strong current at war against us. 
We seem to get close, or possibly even feel the grains between our toes, but as soon as we start to feel comfortable, we're ripped by the tide back to being lost at sea.

We swim our lives away, often calling "land ho!", expecting buried treasure and paradise, only to be left empty once again. 

Part of our human condition, possibly worse than our imperfection, is our never ending search of satisfaction. Our search for rest, peace, happiness, hope, and love. 
And not realizing that we're never going to find it. 
Men have voyaged to the ends of the earth. No land un-tread, and no sea un-sailed, and still this dream is no where to be found. 

Our world is lacking the one resource we all so desperately need more than anything else. 

So, why don't we look somewhere else? The only solution would be that it's not here. We were made for somewhere else (C.S. Lewis paraphrased). 


We swim all day, every day. Trying to get somewhere. Anywhere. 
We're searching for a Source of peace to still our anxious and discontent hearts. 

And ironically, it's when we stop treading that we experience the peaceful weightlessness. We let the water embrace us in its arms and carry us wherever it goes. 
When we realize that this peace is the very thing we were fighting against, we find our footing and can walk through any storm. 

When we stop fighting the current and frantically searching for comfort, the Living Water will carry us and take the burden of the waves of life. It will offer us a life jacket. It will offer us satisfaction.

When we stop fighting the current, the Current will fight for us. 

Some may say, "just keep swimming,"
but I believe that we find our Strength in sinking. 

Broken toys

We're all broken people.
We're missing parts that we've lost on the long journey. 
We don't work like we were manufactured to work.


We're all just broken toys. 


With missing parts and dead batteries and melted plastic. 
The wear and tear of everyday life has broken us to the point of being unfixable. 
Our flaws would never pass a safety inspection. They're a choking hazard. 
We belong in the box labeled "yard sale" or "donate".
We deserve to be thrown away. 


Because we broke ourselves. And we broke each other. 
We played recklessly on playgrounds and loved only ourselves. 
We were doomed from the moment we left the factory. 
As soon as the seal on our package was opened for us to be revealed to the real world, we were flawed with scratches and bite marks that super glue can only do so much to fix.  
Our brokenness is past the point of fixable. We will never be the same shiny collector's item that left the warehouse. 
Our flaws have made us worthless. 


But how is that our fault if we were doomed from the start?
We were invented--not by choice. 
We were created against our will to live in this prison where we are damned to be broken. 




But thank God that we have the chance to be set free from our pending doom. 
Thank God we have a healing remedy stronger than any super glue. 
Thank God we have the chance to be remade.
Thank God that our broken parts can be recycled and made into a new creation.
A new creation with the freedom to be made new over and over again, not bound by the filth around, and not destined to be broken forever. 
Thank God we can be rescued from the labeled boxes and garbage cans.
Thank God someone decided we were worth a great price and thank God that price was paid.
Thank God we were purchased for the purpose to be set free. 
Thank God.


We're all broken people.
We're all broken toys.
But thank God we have a healer.
And thank God our God is GREEN. 

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, and the new is here!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Chemistry, and stuff.

There is a hormone called Oxytocin.
There is also a hormone called Vasopressin. 
These hormones are sometimes referred to as the "love hormone"
They are responsible for emotional bonding. Oxytocin in women, and vasopressin in men. 


We humans bond together. Like atoms. Covalent and ionic bonds, and stuff like that. 




We give our bodies, our hearts, our minds, and our very souls to another person and we never get it all back. 
We're stuck like a bug in fly paper. We become one molecule. Once formed, covalent bonds rarely break. It requires effort. 
So we struggle to break it. But it's not easy. 


Because that bond wasn't meant to be broken. 
It was meant to last a lifetime. We weren't made to break up after we've given someone everything. 
We form the bond with the expectation that it's never going to break. It forms when we open ourselves up enough to let someone in, when we trust them to never hurt us in our vulnerable state. 


So, if or when you break up, a lot of things happen emotionally that we can't understand. 
We watch the carrier of our soul living as a half as we walk around as the thing that once made them whole.  
Everything inside is trying to keep that bond together causing jealousy, bitterness, depression, etc. 
We're trying to be whole again. 
We long to be with those pieces that we gave away. 
It's unnatural and it's not supposed to happen. 


These bonds were meant to have a commitment of a lifetime.
We need to know that the person we've given everything to isn't going to abuse it, leave when they get bored, and isn't going to judge us. But is going to cherish our gift and take care of it. 
We need them to love us as they see the pieces of our insides scattered on the table. 
Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. 
Until death causes them to part. 


But, what do we do?
We can't just close ourselves off and never let anyone in. 
But the more we give ourselves away, the harder it is the next time. The harder it gets to open up and trust again. The harder our hearts become. 


And we don't realize these things until we've gone through it. Until we're living our lives wondering why everything inside of us is telling us to repair the damage instead of letting it be broken.


But God can heal all things. 
And through the ashes He reveals His beauty.
The end justifies the pain.
His hand orchestrates every tiny detail as it catches every tear.
And He knows the end of journey, He sees all the reasons and the outcomes and the lessons. 
He can heal the scars left from the broken bond. 
We just have to let Him. 

The innards of my being.

The innocence of a child.
The wisdom in wrinkles of old age.
The joy in the song of the birds. The sorrow in a voice.
Someone's unspoken pain.
The courage and strength in a victory.
Injustice.
The beauty seeping out of a person's heart.
Mistakes made by loved ones.
The passion in my soul.
When I want to help, but I just can't.
Grace.
My undeserved salvation.
And the adventure of this dynamic life
make me cry.
And I love it.

It's no coincidence.

It's no coincidence that the very love we long, thirst, and search for, the love that can't be found anywhere else, is the very love of God.


It's not by chance that the hole inside each of us can only be filled and satisfied by Jesus.


We were created to need our Creator. 
We were created to have a desire for love. 
God created us that way on purpose.
So that we would search and search and find that He is the love we so desperately desire.
So that we would find Jesus is the puzzle piece that fits perfectly inside each of us. 


We were created empty so that we could have the joy of being filled to the fullest by Him. 


And it's no mystery that we have that emptiness,
we have that need for true love. 
There's no question that everything apart from Christ brings only temporary satisfaction. 


It's no coincidence. 

The Power of Imperfection

I don't know why we feel like we have to be perfect.

We're all aware of just how imperfect we are, so why do we feel like we have to put on that facade and pretend like we're more perfect than everyone else?


Maybe because we think if we act like it enough, we'll become it, or at least believe it ourselves.
Cause no one likes looking in the mirror and seeing all their flaws. It's overwhelming.
And we think it's our responsibility as humans to fix, fix, fix everything we find wrong with us.




As Jefferson Bethke said in Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus,

"If grace is water, then the church should be an ocean
It's not a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken.
Which means I don't have to hide my failure, I don't have to hide my sin
Because it doesn't depend on me it depends on him."

Church is not a museum for the healthy, it's a hospital for the sick.

And if we could all just admit to each other that we're sick, how much more could we be healed?

If we could stop nervously glancing around the room during a convicting sermon, hoping that no one can tell what we're thinking, then maybe we could really look inside ourselves and let ourselves be healed. 

Maybe if we could all admit to being sick, our sickness wouldn't be so shameful knowing that countless people have the same disease, and countless people who have overcome it, can help us overcome. 

But, this doesn't only apply to churches. It applies to all humanity in general.

We know all the right words to say. 

We know how to make it look like we're perfect. 

And we do this because everyone else knows how to make it look like they're perfect too.

It's a vicious cycle.

We look around at all the people who supposedly have it together, and think we need to hide the mess inside ourselves. 

We stuff the dirty laundry under our beds without realizing that they're doing the same thing. 

But from where we stand, everyone else's rooms look clean and tidy. 

Everyone else looks healthy because we don't see the viruses attacking them on the inside.  

We all want to be more perfect than everyone else, for no other reason than pride. 

And we succeed at seeming more perfect, so everyone else around us feels like they need to reach the same standard. The standard that doesn't exist. The standard that was oppressed on us to by someone else. And someone else on them. And someone else on them. 

And the vicious cycle continues. 

Genuinity is a lost virtue. 

Transparency.

Honesty.

Our desire to look perfect is only more symptomatic of our imperfection.

And we're all guilty. We're all sick. 

We all put on masks to gain respect, power, praise, etc., all for the sake of pride--built on the foundation of a lie.

But transparency is beautiful.

The ability to be vulnerable is beautiful.

The humility to open ourselves up for criticism, mockery, judgement, or shame, is beautiful.

Because while we open ourselves up to those, we open ourselves up to healing and love also.

And then we give someone else the opportunity to be transparent, knowing that they're not alone. 

This is not a vicious cycle, but a renewing cycle. 

The more we are willing to be open and honest about our imperfections, the more we allow others to be. 

The moment we all decide to stop pretending we're perfect, is the moment we can truly love each other. 

And the cycle of renewal will continue, giving us the power to change the world. 

But it all starts within ourselves. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Mark 2:17
Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Death and Taxes

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." 

-C.S. Lewis

Never has death seemed so real to me.
And still, it doesn't seem that real. 


I think it's so crazy that life can just stop.
Just cease.


Where heart beats, brain waves, and muscle movements once existed, now is a cold and lifeless corpse.


Where there once was a human being with a soul, now is just an uninhabited body.


Our bodies are amazing enough, but add life to them and they're completely incomprehensible. 
God takes our bodies and give them thoughts, and memories, and a spirit, and all these things that science can't explain. 

And we live. We're alive. We spend years and years trapped in this body when all at once 20, 40, 65, 87, 100 years are gone and the life in that body is no more. 


How can it be that a body so full of life, can cease to have life in it at all?


How can it be that a simple heart beat pumping blood to our organs is the determining factor for where our souls are living? 
Where our being, our soul, our self is, is determined by oxygen and brain activity. And heart beats. 


In a moment, every bit of unexplainable life can be gone and all that's left is the body that held it to this earth. 


We are not our bodies, and life is not only what we can see. 
We are the spirit and the soul that inhabits these bodies for the time being.




It's easy to kill a body. All that has to be done is stopping a heart. But can you kill the soul that makes the body alive? Can you diminish from existence the spirit that makes the body a person?


No.


So when all that's left is the body, abandoned and deserted, we can only conclude that the soul goes somewhere. 


And when you know where it's going, death doesn't seem so scary. 

The great compromise

It's funny how willing we are to compromise absolutely everything, for absolutely nothing.

Why?

Maybe it's the thrill.
Maybe it's the chance of it turning out differently than it has every other time.
Maybe we're just stupid.
Maybe we don't care.

Shouldn't we know better than to take a risk knowing the outcome?

Why do we run to edges of cliffs and jump, thinking maybe this time I'll fly?

Why do we walk down paths marked with signs that say danger and dead end?

We foolishly think that we're different. This time is different. We're strong enough, we're smart enough, we're dedicated enough.

But we're not.

We're human.

We're weak and searching for a source of strength.

In honor of this Easter day.

Ephesians 1:7

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace"

This has been on my mind for quite a while. 


For as long as I can remember, I wanted God to show me His love. I wanted to feel it. I wanted to know without a doubt that He loved me, like everyone told me He did. 


And despite my tests, I never felt it the way I wanted. You know, like that overwhelming, can't-breathe, I-feel-so-warm-and-fuzzy, feeling. 


And I finally realized that it wasn't God's fault, it was mine.


It wasn't a problem of God failing to show His love, it was me failing to recognize it. 
He already showed me his love in the truest way possible. 


Romans 5:8 
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."


In that while I was still a sinner, He died for me. 
Key words being, "still a sinner". 


I always kinda felt like that wasn't really a big deal. 


Like, yeah, a lot of people have done some really bad things, but I'm not that bad.
Yeah, I sin, but not as bad as some people. 


And I didn't understand until I realized that I am just as bad as the worst of the worst. 


Because it's all the same in God's eyes. No matter how big or small, every sin is humanity thinking that we're okay on our own, that we don't need the creator of the universe to tell us what to do. 


I am human. Like everyone else. And I am a sinner. Like everyone else. 


When I realized that, the cross became so much more incredible. 
When Christ died, I wasn't born yet. Obviously.
But He knew I would sin.
He knew every nook and cranny of my disgusting heart and still died for me. 


Would I die for someone knowing that they would deny the very fact that I died?
Would I do it knowing they would just curse my name in response?
Knowing they would speak evil against me, live contrary to everything I taught them in love, and knowing they wouldn't believe it?
Would I die for someone knowing that they were the very ones killing me?


Say, a judge is convicted of a crime and given the death sentence. 
I decide that I want to die in his place (if that were legal), knowing full well that he's guilty of the crime and deserves to die. 
Then, he is the one to sign off on my arrest and personally order my execution, maybe even execute me himself.


Now, say I knew all of this ahead of time. Would I still die for him? Would I love him so much that no matter what he did to me, I still want him to have the chance at a full and abundant life?


There's no way I would.


But Jesus did.


He died for everyone. Not just the people that believed. Not just the pastors and the missionaries and the Sunday school teacher. He died for everyone. 
The murderers.
The adulterers.
The thiefs.
The liars.
The impure.
The ungrateful.
The gossips.
The sex-slave trader.
The slave.
The disobedient.
The alcoholics.
The pornography-viewers.
The abusive.
The prideful.
The foolish.
The rich.
The poor.
Everyone.


Because He wanted every single one of us to have the chance at a full and abundant life. 
Knowing that many would deny Him, hate Him, persecute His people. Knowing that even those who do love Him, still betray, deny, and fall away.






It's not about God proving His love to us over and over, because He does, but we won't ever understand, be able to accept that love, or even see it until we realize how much we desperately need it. When we realize that, we see that it's been in front of us the whole time. And we see without a shadow of a doubt that we cannot possibly go on living without it. 




When I stopped thinking that God owed it to me to prove that He loves me, and started realizing how desperately I need that love, I saw that that very love is everywhere. 


He already went to the extremes to prove His love.
He still fights for my selfish little heart moment by moment.
He hasn't given up on me even through all the times I've given up on Him. 
That is how he shows His love, and that's all he wants us to do: be so caught up in the waves of His unfailing and perfect love that we use all our hearts, strength, and souls to love Him in return. 


This love that persists through my wandering and selfishness is so humbling. Thank you, Jesus.

Happy Easter, everyone. 

Cells, rocks, and sinking sand.

"Remember who you are and what you stand for"

My dad

He would say this almost every time I left the house in high school. And still does on occasion. 

He says it as a joke, of course, and I remember rolling my eyes the first time he said it thinking "of course I'm not gonna forget who I am or where I stand." 

Though he says it as a joke, I know he really means it, and I never really gave it a second thought. 

Well, what if don't know who I am or what I stand for? What if I think I do but both are so easily swayed like a blade of grass in the wind?

Back when he would say it to me the most, I definitely didn't know. 

I would leave the house one person and come home another. 

And I still do. 

I've recently been challenged, by I don't really know what, to look at myself and decide who I am, who I want to be, and what unfaltering things I stand for. 

Because if you don't know who you are, you'll become anything. And if you don't know where you stand, you'll fall.

So, I wrote down a list of who I know I am. 

And a list of who I want to be. (Which I know is boring, so if you want to see, go here: Sincerely.) 

And then I wrote down a list of what I stand for. The things I know without a doubt that I want to fight for. 

The things that keep me grounded.

The solid rocks that I build my life around, or strive to build my life around. (Which are less boring, so they'll probably have a post of their own someday.)

And it helped me so much to make the things I've been taught my whole life tangible and visible. To be able to pick and choose the things to discard and the things to keep. To have a reference of these things so I never forget again. 

I think we so easily forget. 

It's sad. We forget

who we are, 

our purpose,

and the things that keep our feet from slipping.

I forget so often. I let myself be swayed by the standards of society, or the standards of other people, and forget that I have standards of my own. Standards that I shouldn't be willing to compromise. 

I forget that each cell of my body is there for a purpose, along with each thought and emotion. I forget that my feet belong on these solid rocks and everywhere else is sinking sand. 

Remember 

who you are and what you stand for.

Because if you don't know who you are, you'll become anything. And if you don't know where you stand, you'll fall. 

Undefined, no.II

Do not let yourself be defined by the weaknesses of your flesh.

Do not let yourself be defined by the boundaries of this world.

Do not let yourself be defined by the selfishness of humanity.

Do not limit yourself by labels.

Do not let anyone tell you who you are or who you're supposed to be.

Do not let yourself be contained inside an opinion.

Do not let yourself flow with the standards of our shallow society. 

Find who you are apart from anyone or anything telling you who to be.  

"We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us."

Virginia Satir 

love, love, love

I see what I want to see. 

I hear what I want to hear. 

This is naivety. 

I see people for who they are, but ignore all the bad parts.
Because I don't like how it feels to dislike someone.
I don't like how it feels to want to make them see their flaws as if I don't have any of my own.
I don't like thinking that people can be anything but good and pure in heart and motive. 
I choose to ignore their flaws because it's easier to love them that way.
And I love to love people.


But that's not love at all.


God's love, the ultimate love, was shown in that Christ died for us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). 
He knew every disgusting crevice of our wandering hearts and still chose to hang on the cross, with the weight of every person's sin that has ever and will live on his shoulders. 




Love doesn't mean-- "pretend they're perfect". Love is not dependent on perfection. True love has no bounds and true love perseveres through every fault. Love is definitely not ignoring someone's flaws because that makes them easier to love. 


Love wasn't meant to be easy, because nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy. 
Love wasn't meant to be easy, because how else would we know that the kind of love that is so impossibly hard for us, is so amazingly easy for the One and only One that it comes easy for? 
How else would we be able to grasp how small and imperfect our love is in comparison to how wide and long and high and deep the love of our creator is?






Love is knowing someone's not perfect, but sacrificing yourself for them anyway. Love is knowing that people are mean, and selfish, and impure, and deciding to treat them as if they aren't.
Love is seeing someone's many flaws, but knowing your own flaws are just as great or greater in number. 




You can't know someone unless you know all their flaws too. 
You can love anyone. But you can't truly love someone until you know them, flaws and all, and decide to love them anyway. That's all anyone wants: to be completely known and loved anyway. 




It's hard to love someone that isn't perfect. 
It's hard to love someone that doesn't love you.


But love is always the answer. 


  

Leap Year

So, it's February 29th. That's cool. Cause it only happens every 4 years.


And I couldn't help but wonder who I'll be on the next leap year.


A lot can happen in 4 years. A lot. I could be in a foreign country (hopefully) for all I know.
I could be married (hopefully not).
I could be still going to school, grad school, or some other school.
I could be pursuing my career. 
I could be a mom!


I don't know!


But, I'm so excited to find out. 


I can't wait to see who I am, where I am, who I'm with, all I've done, all I've learned on February 29, 2016. 

The pits.

We live on a path.


And sometimes we choose to step off of this path.
Out of curiosity, maybe rebellion, or because the grass seems greener over there.


Without any marked trail to follow we misstep, stumble, and fall.


That's okay, as long as we get back up, and realize that we should probably follow our bread crumb trail back to the path.


But sometimes we fall in holes. Or pits.


Those falls are hard, and fast.
And the pits are deep, dark, and cold.


All our strength is gone from trudging through the wilderness so we're tired and weak. And we wanna just lay there for a while on the nice cold ground. A break from searching. A break from walking.


Then, once we start to feel the pain of our broken bones, and the hardness of the ground, we wonder how we got there in the first place.
It seems like we just took a brief scenic route, so how did it lead here?


It never takes too long to lose yourself. And you don't realize you've wandered...until you're lost.
Until you're lying, broken, on the cold floor of that deep pit, do you realize the steps you took to get there.


And so you start to climb out, ironically, healing on the way.


And it takes a while.


But it's worth it.


Because once your face is warmed again by the sun, and your weary feet touch the soft green grass, you'll look back and be grateful. 


Grateful for what you learned and grateful for the grace you were given to climb out.




And you'll never go back.

Choose Wisely

We make choices, without realizing in that moment how much they affect the rest of our lives.






And if we thought a little longer about the outcome,


weighed the pros and cons,


considered the pain,


imagined our future, 


where would we be? Would we have made the same choice?


And if those choices hadn't been made,


would fate take over and make that choice for us anyway ? 




The choices we make reflect the person we are, and the person we're becoming. 
The choices we make affect so much more than we can see. It's a butterfly effect of chain reactions for all eternity. 


We look back at the big decisions, the small decisions, the bad ones and the good ones. And we may laugh. Or cry. Depending on how much time has passed.


And we can't help but wonder, what if?




Sometimes there's no possible way of predicting the outcome and we have to dive in head first to find out.


Sometimes the outcome is clear.
Sometimes the outcome is obviously bad, but we choose it anyway.
Sometimes the outcome is obviously good, so we take advantage of it.


Sometimes, we ignore the outcome completely, and make blind decisions based on what we want now. 


Those are the worst kind. 
Though they may bring temporary happiness, it always ends. 


Sometimes, when it does end, we still can't admit to ourselves that it was a bad decision, therefore preventing us from learning. 
Therefore causing us to make the same decision again. And again. Until we just don't care anymore. 




But as much as those mistakes sting down the road, 


how else would we experience the grace that erases them?


These choices we make may push people out of our lives that we never wanted out,


they may change our plans,


they may break our hearts,


they may cause some unwanted drama,


but what if that's the point of it all?




What if our potential is in the way we rise from the mess we've made?
What if beauty hides in the unwanted change of direction?
What if?




Don't you want to find out?

What do you do when...

The one thing that you know you want is potentially not meant to be?
When you've spent years planning your life around a dream that has ended up being unfulfilling and dissatisfying?
When you feel like you're not on the path you're supposed to be on?
When you want too many things, but you can't have it all?
When you know what you want, but you have no idea how to go about in getting it?
What do you do?


You don't do anything. 
You stop.
You take a deep breath.
You remember that life is out of control no matter how much you try to control it.
You acknowledge your flawed way of thinking when you try to take life by the reins.
You realize that there's no possible way to plan every last detail. 




You take one moment at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time, and trust that everything is going to work out just fine. 


Because it's never going to work out the way we plan anyway. And that's okay, because the things that are most satisfying, that come from walking blindly forward, exceed everything we could possibly imagine or dream.