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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Intersections and round-a-bouts

It's so interesting to me the way our lives intertwine; the way our paths cross at just the right time in just the right place, so we can meet just the right person to change our life in just the right way.


When I think about it, I picture a HUGE web. A web of experiences and detours. A web of perpendicular and parallel lines of different lives that cross at certain times, some more than others. A web that at these intersections  there is always something to be learned and carried onto the next. Like this:
Multiply this by the number of people in the world. 

Also when I picture it, I picture the spaghetti bowl roads of Vegas.. not really sure why.

I believe our experiences make us who we are, among other things. They shape us and mold us involuntarily, as most of our experiences in life are involuntary. And those experiences are what lead us to these intersections with others' experiences, which lead them to more intersections, and so on.

It's crazy! It makes me dizzy thinking about all the people I've come in contact with in my life, and what led them to where they were at that exact moment in time that we came in contact. All the hurt, scars, joy, success, and failures that caused one foot to be put in front of the other are unique from anyone else. Had one experience been different, the whole course could be changed. 

I wrote a poem in my creative writing class. The shells represent people, for those non-abstract thinkers out there.


This is Your Museum of Shells

This is your museum of shells.
Mollusks, tritons, egg shells, limpets, periwinkles, and snail shells.
They come from ocean floors, rivers, mountains and sidewalks, or even Avilla Beach.
In my hand I hold a pearly white Conch.
A home, a shelter, a disguise.
Abandoned and newly washed up on the shore.
Each shell with a story, a background, a past.
Formed by waterfalls, whirl pools, or years of patience and discovery.
Broken by footsteps, hungry animals, or unruly weather.
Traveling the world against their will,
Taken wherever the waves take them,
Ignored by many, and adored by few.
The warm sand its resting place,
A simple shell with a story,
Shaped by a lifetime of being tossed and being turned.




Also, there's a quote from "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" that I think sums up my thoughts better than I can. Long, and only makes sense with the movie, but very relevant.

Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it. A woman in Paris was on her way to go shopping, but she had forgotten her coat - went back to get it. When she had gotten her coat, the phone had rung, so she'd stopped to answer it; talked for a couple of minutes. While the woman was on the phone, Daisy was rehearsing for a performance at the Paris Opera House. And while she was rehearsing, the woman, off the phone now, had gone outside to get a taxi. Now a taxi driver had dropped off a fare earlier and had stopped to get a cup of coffee. And all the while, Daisy was rehearsing. And this cab driver, who dropped off the earlier fare; who'd stopped to get the cup of coffee, had picked up the lady who was going to shopping, and had missed getting an earlier cab. The taxi had to stop for a man crossing the street, who had left for work five minutes later than he normally did, because he forgot to set off his alarm. While that man, late for work, was crossing the street, Daisy had finished rehearsing, and was taking a shower. And while Daisy was showering, the taxi was waiting outside a boutique for the woman to pick up a package, which hadn't been wrapped yet, because the girl who was supposed to wrap it had broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and forgot.  When the package was wrapped, the woman, who was back in the cab, was blocked by a delivery truck, all the while Daisy was getting dressed. The delivery truck pulled away and the taxi was able to move, while Daisy, the last to be dressed, waited for one of her friends, who had broken a shoelace. While the taxi was stopped, waiting for a traffic light, Daisy and her friend came out the back of the theater. And if only one thing had happened differently: if that shoelace hadn't broken; or that delivery truck had moved moments earlier; or that package had been wrapped and ready, because the girl hadn't broken up with her boyfriend; or that man had set his alarm and got up five minutes earlier; or that taxi driver hadn't stopped for a cup of coffee; or that woman had remembered her coat, and got into an earlier cab, Daisy and her friend would've crossed the street, and the taxi would've driven by. But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control - that taxi did not go by, and that driver was momentarily distracted, and that taxi hit Daisy, and her leg was crushed. 

 Life: a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control. Defined by choices and experiences, brightened by relationships and simple human connection. 


Ohhh, life. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Scars

Why is it so much fun to pick a scab?


Why can't we just let the wound heal instead of repeatedly reopening it, leaving a larger scar than we would have had before?

Monday, June 20, 2011

What is love?

not
I used to think you could only ever love one person in your life, romantically speaking.
So if you fall out of love, that means you never really loved the person in the first place.
But I've realized being "in love" is such a pop culture invention. For a long time I didn't understand that love is so much more than what Hollywood and magazines make it out to be.
I thought being in love was a feeling, based on how the person made you feel. Butterflies and smiles. But I see now that the love of that feeling can be disguised as love for another person.


Love is not feeling special.
Love is not feeling beautiful.
Love is not feeling loved.
Love is not a feeling.
And love is not a magical spell that once you're under, there's no reversing it. It's not even a temporary spell.


is
Being "in love" and loving someone, I think, are different.
Being "in love" with someone is so much deeper than that feeling. Being in love with someone means loving who they are, even the tiny little details that aren't visible to the naked eye. Being in love means you're committed to loving that person through thick and thin, "I'm in," so to say.


I think that being in love can be a feeling, though. If you pass the test of knowing the person deeply, and really loving their qualities, then feel away. What else are we gonna call that intense, wanna-scream,  can't-eat, can't- sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, world-series, kind of feeling? 


Loving someone is less emotional, more a decision. Sometimes you can't help being in love with someone. You can't help loving their laugh, or the way he/she thinks, or just the way they make you feel. But you can help loving someone. 
Love is a commitment.
Love is an action.
Love is a choice.
And loving someone is not easy, by any means.


1 Corinthians 13 
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice in evil but delights in the truth. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and always perseveres.


Well, I sure can't recall the last time I was able to treat someone in all those ways.
But, that's what loving someone is.




all in all
Love is capable of being a feeling if and when accompanied by commitment and action.
But love, in and of itself, is not a feeling or a spell. Love is a decision. 


And that's what I've learned about love. Romantic love, that is.
But who knows, really?


I do know
God is love, perfect love. The magnitude of his love is incomprehensible by my finite mind. And that's the love we try to mimic, and that''s the love we try to find everywhere else but the one place it can be found. 






Warren Barfield said it best in his song "Love is Not a Fight"
Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for


Thursday, June 16, 2011

I need a weed whacker

You know when you do something all day, then when you go to sleep that's all you see when you close your eyes?


Like if you've been swimming all day, you feel like you're floating and all you see is water.


Or if you've been dancing all day, all you can think about is the choreography, running and running through your brain.


Or if you've pulled weeds for hours, all you can think about is wrapping your hand tightly around the stem as far as you can get to the dirt, and pulling until the root budges. 


Well, that's what happens to me..


I'm one of those people that believes there's symbolism in everything, or I pretend there is. 
"It's a sign," I think. 


So when I was pulling weeds early in the summer morning, I couldn't help but see the symbolism. 


I love the feeling when you pull for what seems like hours, as hard as you can, praying the weed doesn't just break, and the root finally releases. Then you pull out the biggest root you've ever seen. That's the best feeling. 


I need to get rid of the weeds in my life, the things that are preventing me from growing. The things that have roots so deep, they're constricting all other good things from planting. These things that have taken over the yard of my heart and my mind. 


But there's no use in pulling it if I can't get the root. 
I can easily make it look better on the surface, plant some fake flowers, put in some fake grass, but the weeds will always grow back if I leave the root.


The problem can easily be fixed, but the root of the problem is what really matters.


I just have to pull the root, or many roots, and start planting flowers. 




Now to figure out what the root is of the weed is. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I give up.

In the words of my dear friend Ingrid,
I am giving up on half empty glasses and I am giving up on greener grasses.

I'm giving up on moping.
I'm giving up on pessimism.
I'm giving up on fear.
I'm giving up on worry.
I'm giving up on control.
I'm giving up on selfishness.
I'm giving up on doubt in myself.
I'm giving up on dependency. 
I'm giving up on insecurity.
I'm giving up on needing a boy.
I'm giving up on changing things I can't change.
I'm giving up on getting hurt.
I'm giving up on being defined by someone else.
I'm giving up on following.
I'm giving up on comfort.
I'm giving up on dissatisfaction. 
I'm giving up on infatuation.
I'm giving up on promises. 
I'm giving up on jealousy.
I'm giving up on mood swings.

It's a long list and a long shot, but I'm sick of holding onto these things that ultimately hurt me. I'm sick of hurting and I'm only hurting myself. Even if something is hurting me that's out of my control, I'm hurting myself more by trying to control it. 

Like everyone, I just want to be happy. Happiness is being content. I have to learn to be content with every situation that comes my way. I have to learn to thank God for everything, even the plank in my eye and the gum on my shoe. 

It's not going to happen over night. Life is a process, learning is a process. 

I'm reinventing myself, from the inside out. I am who I am, and I will be who I am, after I figure out who that is. 

Pretty much sums it up.


New outlook. New direction. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Glass houses

Hypocrite
1
: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2
: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings



Hypocrite? Or just emotional?

Both.




I journal in my weakest moments. I blog in my strongest.


I have no problem with living in a glass house, but like anyone else, I'd rather have walls. 
I'd rather people see the strong part of me than the twisted and confused part. I'd rather inspire with my strength than be pitied for my weakness. Call it hypocritical, or call it human. 


I believe in what I write. But I'm weak, and most of the time I can't live up to it. I'm also emotionally driven, which makes it hard to apply everything I believe to what I do. 


I've built my house. Knock on my door to come inside, or throw stones to break the glass. Either way, come on in, see the real me. See that I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to make anyone think I am. You're not fooled anyway. 


I am weak, sometimes strong. I'm emotional, sometimes a hypocrite. 


I am what I am. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Hurricane Katrina

It's the smile after the tears,
the sun after the storm.


That's what we all live for, isn't it?


Except, we forget we can live in the midst of the rain.
We're so busy waiting for the sun and smiles that we forget we're still alive.
Our vision is impaired so much by the tears that we don't see someone is always catching them. 


We stop living because we're waiting to live again.




James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds. Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

Tower of Terror---Colossus---Buffalo Bills

I love roller-coasters.


Roller-coasters are my favorite.


But I hate emotional roller-coasters. 


And that's what I am. One, big, fast, emotional roller-coaster.


Not necessarily in that I'm crying one moment and jumping for joy the next.


But, in that I want to do something one moment, with complete motivation and reasoning to do it,
then the next moment I want to do something else. A moment can last from an hour, to a day, to a week, to a year. Lately, it usually lasts a day.


I come to a realization, believe it and see completely clearly how it's right and smart and logical,
then, *poof*, my emotions get the better of me and I'm back to feeling.


When I feel, I feel in extremes. When I think, I can't not feel. 


I have the hardest time separating my emotions from any situation:
If it's a decision, my emotions have to be a part of the decision. Because who ever made a good decision based completely on logic..right?
If it's an argument, I argue based on what I feel because who ever made a point using only logic? 
If it's interpreting something someone says or does, I automatically assume it was based on emotion, because emotion is the foundation for everything I say and do.


If only emotional roller-coasters gave me the same adrenaline rush as a real roller-coaster.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Bad posture

I have really bad posture.


I slouch. And I lose my balance a lot. 


Every once in a while I'll remember to fix it. I pull my shoulders back, elongate my spine, and put my head on straight. Then, when it starts to hurt, or I get too lazy, or I just forget, I go right back to slouching. 


In the literal sense, that's completely true. It's also true for me in the spiritual sense:


I slouch and lose my balance. Every once in a while I'll realize and try to fix myself, then, because of laziness, discomfort, or forgetfulness, I go right back to walking around like a monkey.. 


My heart slouches. I don't like making it uncomfortable because that hurts.  
Psalm 97:11 
 Light is shed upon the righteous and joy on the upright in heart.


My feet lose their balance. Because my heart slouches, I lose my way and trip. 
1 Corinthians 15:58 
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.


If having good posture were my first priority, I wouldn't forget. Eventually, it would stop being uncomfortable and laziness would become unacceptable.  






I want an upright heart and firm unmoving feet. 


Psalm 37:23-24

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

      He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
      for the Lord holds them by the hand.


Monday, June 6, 2011

The Art of Moving On


It looked like a blank canvas, the journey that lay dauntingly before me.
With mistakes to make, smudges to cover, and masterpieces to create,
the first stain is the toughest.
The courage to gamble the shades and dirty this canvas is there waiting in the life-altering brush.
Pick it up. Accept it.
And though my comfort resides miles away,
I will put on my smock, color my brush with the pigment of change, and follow wherever each stroke leads me.
Every intoxicating fume is a valuable lesson.
Every vibrant hue is a timeless memory.
The beauty is in the mystery.
The art is in the voyage.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Thoughts of a single lady.

"We must fight mediocrity, destroy complacency, and scoff at the thought of being called lukewarm."


Relationships are weird.

                      Who decided the steps?

You meet. You talk. You flirt. You date. You marry. You have kids. You die.

Who came up with dating? I think betrothal is a much better idea. 

Date: the time in which an event occurs. 
It seems strange to me that we would call a romantic evening, or scouting for a potential mate, the time in which an event occurs. I mean, I guess it makes sense, in a very literal sense, but there has to be a better word for it in the English language.
And dating? The time in which many events occur? Not exactly how I would explain an intimate and/or committed relationship.. But, I can't come up with a better word so I conform to pop culture's lingo.


And marriage?
Who decided it was essential to a happy life?
I would say it just causes more problems.. In fact, Paul agrees with me:
1 Corinthians 7
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion... But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."

Long story short, Paul and I agree that it is easier to give your undivided attention to the Lord when you don't have a wife nagging you or a husband ignoring you.
Sidenote: I understand not all marriages are this way, I have witnessed many happy and successful, loving marriages, my parents are the best example. And I'm not saying that I don't want to get married, because let's face it, that's basically all I want: to be a wife to the man of my dreams. 
We've been so brainwashed in our "American Dream" culture that the keys to a successful life are a 9-5 job, marriage, and children. 


Subject Change...

Beginning in pre-school, we're constantly asked what we want to be when we grow up. I always said a stay-at-home mom because I thought that's all there was to life, marriage and children. Or a singer. As a preschooler, I was destined to be the next Britney Spears. Funny how our dreams never change..


And through elementary school, we're taught skills in all different categories so we can figure out what we're good at, capitalize on it, and use it to be a functioning member of society. 


And high school... We're forced to learn science, math, english, art, music, etc. We're put in gifted and talented programs, honors classes, and extra-curricular activities. We're judged on a grading system, and our success depends on this grading system and how well we conformed to it so we can be a part of this culture that we've been convinced is the only right way to live. 


Then there's college. Now our intelligence and success is based on a piece of paper. A degree stating we went to all the right classes, paid the right amount of money, and "learned" something, a certain skill, that will ultimately better society. 
Some people know their skills and how to use them without needing to go to college. Some people, like me, follow these rules and go to college hoping to find a skill. 


Don't get me wrong, education is imperative. It's beautiful and life-changing. But the brainwashing, and the conformity is not. 
Children in America dread going to school in the morning. Children in third-world countries long for the kind of education we take for granted daily. 


Our culture has taken beautiful things like love, marriage, reproduction, education, and success, and turned them into a rule and a guideline. Things that were privileges and blessings are now burdens and just "the way of life". 


Well, what if I'm not okay with conforming? What if I'm not satisfied with mediocrity? 
But what if I'm already so stuck that there's no escape? 
Of course I don't have an answer, and I can't do anything to change the way things are. 


But I do know:
I don't want to be okay with living a life laid out for me by someone else. 
I don't want to be another mediocre face in the crowd. 








Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

       I am

  • an emotional thinker
  • organized
  • oblivious
  • selfish
  • rule-follower
  • insecure
  • selfish
  • empathetic
  • prideful
  • hard-worker
  • dependent
  • a leader when no one else will be
  • easily manipulated
  • non-judgmental
  • open-minded, or trying to be
  • immature
  • a reacter 
  • a worrier
  • uptight
  • detail-oriented
  • passionate
  • spoiled
  • awkward
  • a lover
I think because I'm told to think, I do because I'm told to do, I love because I'm told to love, I am because I'm told to be. 


Well that's all about to change...
I don't know myself. My whole life I've let people tell me who I am rather than figuring it out for myself. Now, I have to start from scratch and it may just take me 19 more years to figure it out. 


I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. Very flawed. I have so many flaws I don't even know where to begin on fixing them. The first step is admitting it, right? 


According to Wikipedia, on the "Twelve-step program for Alcoholics Anonymous":
  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Of course, I'm not an alcoholic. But I am addicted to something else: myself. I'm addicted to my flaws. 


If I want to change, I have to break this addiction, I must deny my deadly human nature and follow the only one who can satisfy all my deepest desires.
Luke 9:23 "Then He said to them all, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.'"







I must be capable of functioning and flourishing with and through these qualities before they could ever complement or bless anyone else.