"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way."

"Renew thyself completely each day." 

Henry David Thoreau 

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." 

CS Lewis

Dear 2011,


I'd like to say it was nice knowing you, but that would be a lie. You were horrible to me. 
But hey, I'm not angry. Maybe you were so awful to me out of love. Maybe you knew that by giving me the worst year of my life, I would learn more than I've ever learned from it, and grow in ways I've never grown before. So, I guess I'll say thank you. And that's all I have to say.


Sincerely,
Morgan






Surprisingly enough, life keeps going. There are no batteries to run down. There's no off switch, or a pause button, or rewind, fast-forward, etc. 


But, even though we all know this, we still try to use those features that are nonexistent. In our little minds, we over use the rewind button, and wish so much that it was real.


But it's not. Unfortunately.
So we all have to learn to let go and move on. 
Take the knowledge from the past, and learn from it. But don't look back. What's the point?
Dwelling on the past prevents you from moving on to the future and reaping it for all it's worth.
Dwelling on the pain prevents you from healing.
Dwelling on the mistakes you made prevents you from learning from them.
Dwelling on the people you lost prevents you from welcoming new relationships that may change your life in a new way.
Dwelling on the anger prevents you from loving, and learning to trust again.


Just don't look back. 
What's done is done and there are no re-dos. Keep moving forward. Because life moves on whether you're with it or not. Even though we think the world revolves around ourselves, it still doesn't stop revolving no matter how hard we try to make it. And fighting the natural flow of life only makes the current stronger. 


Of course, this is obvious. And of course, it's so much easier said than done.


And this has been a hard lesson for me to learn, and I'll probably never completely learn it. 


But here's to the future, the new year, and the many surprises to come.
And here's to 2011, I'm a different person because of you, but you're gone and I'm moving on. 


Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it simply means letting go.
It means forgiving. It means being stronger than the regret. It means willfully believing that better things are to come. 


That's the truth. 


And thank God time keeps moving. Thank God we have a chance to redeem ourselves, and thank God we have the ability to move on. 




Don't forget; move on. 

Sayonara

I'm a sentimental person. I hold onto memories. And objects that hold memories. And people that hold memories. 


So, naturally, I hate good byes. 


And today I'm saying good bye to a couple things. 
1. One of my very best friends going on to live his dreams.
2. The worst semester of my life. 


People come into our lives for a reason. And people leave them for a reason. I'm not saying that he's leaving my life, but he definitely won't be involved in it like he has been for the past 3 years. 
Our paths intersect and then proceed to go separate ways. 
It's crazy. And I hate it. 
And for some reason you never feel like you made the most out of the time together. There are always words you wish you would've said, fights you wish you wouldn't have had, more hugs, more laughs, more heart-to-hearts, etc. 
You never really feel closure. Sure, to some degree, but not completely. How could you? People impact us whether we like it or not. We'll never feel like it was enough. At least I won't. So I have to accept it for what it is.
And that is: People come and go. People will always leave their mark on me. Sometimes you have to be selfish and leave the ones that need you, because there's something you need elsewhere. Sometimes what those people need most is not to need you anymore, because you've done all your teaching, and they've learned all they can from you. If your paths are meant to cross again, they will. If they're not, they won't. And that's the hardest thing to accept. That you did all you possibly could, there's no going back, and you have to move on. 
Because life moves on whether you're moving with it, or not. And you can either takes the things you did learn and apply them to your future, or walk backwards and focus on the things you didn't learn. But that's definitely not living. 

I've got a pocket, got a pocket full of emotions...

I'm sitting on the counter in my apartment complex's community laundry room, not even doing laundry, because, for some reason, the sound of the roaring washers and dryers soothes me. 
Probably because when I was a baby I had colic, and my mom would put me on top of the washing machine to make me stop crying. 
I guess it worked back then, and to this day it helps me to sort through the crying thoughts and emotions inside me. I can think in here. I can focus. I can feel one emotion at a time, rather than a wave of so many that I don't know what to do with. 


My roommate and I were talking the other day about how emotionally overwhelming being busy is. Not just draining because you're constantly going, but because on your downtime, every single emotion that you didn't have time to feel and deal with at the time it came, hits you all at once like a hurricane. And there are so many! And each one feels different so you don't know what to feel and you have no idea where to even start in dealing with them. It's like this one HUGE crazy emotion that you've never felt before. 


It feels like when you're a little kid, (or older, I may or may not still do this) and you're at a restaurant, and you're done eating, so you and your siblings or cousins or friends are bored and you decide to make a "masterpiece" of all the leftover food on your plates and beverages in your cups. If this emotion were to be compared to something, it would be that finished product of ketchup, ice cream, french fries, pasta, root beer, salt and pepper, and whatever else was left over from the meal. 


And every time that emotion is different, because it's a different recipe of different emotions in each situation. A.K.A., a recipe for disaster. 


This is how it works:
Imagine you're having a busy day. 
Each task you put yourself to requires your full concentration. 
So as you're focusing on each of these tasks, something may remind you of something else and your mind may wander for a moment, causing you to briefly feel something. 
You notice that you're feeling and no longer concentrating so you disregard that emotion completely before you have the chance to even identify what it was or where it came from.
 This happens throughout the day as you invest yourself into each different task. 
And in each task you place the one or many emotions in your pocket because you just can't deal with it right then.
So by the end of the day, your pockets are full of all the different emotions that didn't have time to be felt. 
Therefore, when it comes time to finally relax and reflect on the day, you empty your pockets, involuntarily, and are completely overwhelmed with all the junk that piled up in there. 
By that time they've all melted together from the friction of the fast moving day, into one, big, gooey, and poop-colored emotion. 
And how can you possibly deal with that?  


Busy and emotional are not a good combination.
Man, it's tough being a girl.  

Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.

The heart is such a strange organ. 
It beats. It feels. It attaches. It breaks. It heals. It gives life. 
It's so valuable, and we flaunt it with our chest wide open for the world to see. Hearts change. Hearts harden. Hearts are meant to be guarded, they weren't made to be broken. 


I think there comes a time in everyone's life when you decide to stop letting people hurt you. You decide that you don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, used, and betrayed. You realize that sometimes you have the right to be selfish in relationships.
And you realize that love shouldn't hurt. 


People come and go. People leave marks on your heart, and sometimes just take the whole thing right out of you. People influence people. People hurt people. 


The heart can be a very dangerous weapon, or it can be the most effective tool.  


Our hearts were made to love... if only we knew how. 

Thank you, thank you very much.

I wish every day was Thanksgiving.


Not the food, and the football aspect of Thanksgiving, but the actual thanks giving part.


It's ridiculous that only one day a year is dedicated to acknowledging our over abundance of things. And even then, we've turned it into something superficial. 


I wish we would just take a minute or two out of our daily superficial and abundant lives to think about how truly blessed we are. 

I read her like an open book

"You cannot open a book without learning something." -Confucius


People are like books. Or, books are like people.


We all have covers. Some hard, some soft, some transparent, and some non-existent. 


Some easy to open, some hard to open.


Some full of pictures and easy-to-read pages, and some full of complex vocabulary, and not-so-easy-to-read pages.


Some are short, and to the point. Some take longer to read.


Some are used, torn, and neglected. Some are new, innocent, and crisp. 


And we all have a story.




I could go on and on with this analogy, but you get the point.

The point is: people are fascinating! And so amazingly deep and complex! 


Think about it, you will never know someone completely inside and out. They will always surprise you. There will always be something to learn because they are constantly learning. Every. Single. One of us has our own unique story, that molds and shapes us into who we are. The content of our inner pages determines the cover. Some people are incredibly hard to get to know, it takes a while for them to open up and be comfortable. I, being one of those people. Some people are incredibly easy to get to know, with what seems to be a transparent cover or no cover at all. 


A book, from the story being thought up, to the many drafts it goes through, to the publisher, to the printing press, then to the shelves, to the hands of the reader, has a journey. 


We have a journey. A story with conflict, resolution, climax, characters, dialogue. A front cover, a back cover. Highlighted lines. Torn pages. Readers. 


Me, I'm a soft cover book that's hard to open. I'm packaged in that plastic stuff that's secretly made of bullet-proof vest. But once I'm open, I'm open. Definitely an easy read. And my story is far from being finished.




People are beautiful, complex novels. I wish I put more effort and time into reading.

And I saw, without really seeing, that people are beautiful.

I love people watching. 
And I recently noticed that I look at people, but I don't see them.


I love smiling at strangers. 
I'll walk around campus or Walmart, and smile at everyone I walk by because I like the temporary joy I may give them; I like that I make them feel special, like they've been seen, even if it's for just a moment... but I never really see at them. 


Yes, I make eye contact and notice what they're wearing, how they walk, facial features, etc, but am I going to remember them the next time I smile at them on campus? Probably not. 


The other night, all 5 of my roommates and I were sitting around joking and talking. As we were laughing I looked at one of them, seeing her for the first time. I was so surprised that I hadn't before, I mean, I've been living with her for 3 months. But there she was, the same person as every other time I'd looked at her, and I was seeing her for the first time. And I realized there was so much to see. So much that I had been too busy to notice, or too careless to make the effort to take in. 


I love people. And I'm disappointed that this has become a habit for me. 


Mostly, I hate airports because they stress me out, but the people in airports fascinate me. I want to know where they're going and why, where they're coming from and why, and who they're traveling with and why. 
Even driving around town, I see cars and wonder the same thing. Is their reason as simple as mine? Or is it much more interesting?




Everyone has a story. 
Everyone has something weighing on their mind. 
Everyone loves someone, hates someone, loves something, hates something. 
Everyone is so much more than what you look at on the outside. 
But if you really see someone, you'll see that they're just like you.
When you see someone, you see that you're really not alone in this world. 
You see that they're made up of cells and atoms, and wonderfully complex parts just like you. 
You see that they have a beating heart, broken maybe, or maybe perfectly content. 
You see that they have a mind with synapses, memories, emotions, etc, all different from anyone else in the universe. 
You see that they have opinions, beliefs, reasons, and motives. 
You see that they have a countless number of hairs on their body, a pigment that can never be exactly matched or recreated. 
You see that they have wrinkles, on their brow or on their cheek that hold stories of every frown they've ever frowned, and every smile they've ever smiled. 
You see that they're walking, going somewhere, toward a goal, toward a destination. 
You see that they have dreams, and wishes, and hopes, and prayers. 
You see that their feet and hands are calloused from years of hard, or not so hard, work.
You see that they have eyes that observe, scan, blink, cry, perceive, and speculate. Eyes nonidentical to any other. Eyes hard or soft, with stories. Eyes that are the window to their soul, the deepest part of their being. 
You see that they have senses. They look at scenes, they hear sounds, they touch textures, they smell scents, they taste flavors, and their perception of each of those things may be completely different than your own. 
You see that they're breathing. Their body requires oxygen to survive just like yours does.
You see that there are so many things unseen. Their struggles, their pain, their guilt. It's all there beneath the layers of clothing. 


You see that they walk, make eye contact, flash a simple smile, felt or fake, and they don't see you either. 




Wow, I feel small. All this time I foolishly thought without really thinking that I was the only one. But I'm just one in a sea of faces longing to be seen.

I Will Wait For You

I Will Wait For You <----Video

By Jannete Ikz

So, it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me… So I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him. Him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, and a thief. So, why was I surprised when he broke into my heart? I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and betting, cause it was me who let him in.

Claiming we were, “just friends”

It was already decided for me by the first day that even if he wasn’t, I was going to make him the one. You know, I was tired of being alone and I simply made it up in my mind that it was about that time. So I decided to drag him along for the ride cause I was always the bridesmaid and never the bride.

A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner and he was tired of the weight. So, I was gonna make him the one.

He had a form of godliness, but not much.

But, hey, I can change him. So, I’ll take him! I mean, he’s close… enough. 

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it’s “used to be.” Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked his will from flowing through me. So, I thank Christ that his blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flat-lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back. Through my ignorance, he saw. So, through my sternum, he sawed and cracked open my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10. A new heart and a renewed, right spirit within. So, now I fully understand, better yet, thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait… For you.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning. Cause, in the beginning was the word and he didn’t even sound or shine like your son. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings. Which meant nothing.

He couldn’t even pray what I needed him to. Asking him to fast would be absurd. Forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the word. But, I know you. You’re already praying for me. Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait… for you.

I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you to appease my boredom or to quench my thirsty desire for attention of the short-live compliments from ‘sorta, kindas.’

You know, “he’s sorta kinda right, but sorta kinda wrong.” His first name, Luke. His last name, Warm.

I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but have feelings so far, far apart cause, “I just want to be held.”

Cause all I gotta say is “No.” No more almost sessions of almost coming close, passing winks and buying drinks, and “Im’ma Im’ma Im’ma flirt.”

Who flirts with the ideology of, “Can you just tell me how much I can get away with and still be saved?” No more. I’ll stay in my bed alone and write poems about how I will wait for you.

He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath cause I have thoughts that I’ve saved to ask, and our Father God only equips you to open.

I will no longer get graded down from ‘so called’ friends and family talks about the concern of my biological clock when I serve the author of time.

Who is not subject to time, but I am subject to Him. He has the ability to stop, fast forward, pause, or rewind at any given time. So, if we could roleplay, you would be Abraham, and I would be Sarah (-__-), or you could be Issac and I could be Rebecca, or servants, aunts, and prayer… I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Made up of your rib, Adam. And once we meet, like electrons, I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible, Atom.

We even speak the same math- 1+1+1=3, which really equals 1 if you add them.

We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the son. If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star. A son of the sun. I would get energy simply from the light you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis. I await your revelation, but once again from the Genesis, I will wait for you. And I will know you because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom.

The ability to lead will remind me of Moses, your faith will remind me of Abraham, your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph, and your ability to abandon your own will will remind me of the disciples. But, your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by and special ‘Matthews’ or ‘Marks’ becauseHis word will be tatted all over your heart. And you will know me, and you will find me where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed by the tears of a praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before and was birthed into this earth, only if you should see it. I desire your will above mine so even if youcall me to a life of single-ness, my heart is content with you, the one who is sent. You are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known.You are forever my judge and I am forever your witness. And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.

How I’ll always be yours and how I’ll always wait for you, Lord- more than the watchmen wait for the morning. More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.”

Never too late to start over.

I lost myself. For a very long time. For a major part of my life.
For the time that I most needed to find myself, I was lost. 


I don't remember that person I grew up with. She seems so different, like a stranger.


And now, I'm starting over. I'm defining myself the best way I know how from scratch. I'm paying attention and creating for myself a definition to stick to, a character that will not be altered by anyone or anything. 


I'm walking down this path in front of me, picking up bits and pieces along the way, to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I'm finding my identity all over again because I never found it in the right place. It was always in someone else. 


So... I am what I am and that's all that I am. And once I figure out who that is, that's all I'm going to be. 

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Seasons. 

I don't like them.

I don't like that there are four, rather than one.

Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter are never long enough. 

It seems that they come and go in the blink of an eye.

Just as I transition from one to the next, it changes again.

As soon as I accept the change and want it to stay, it changes again.

And frankly, I'm sick of it. 

Not sick of the change in seasons, necessarily, but sick of the fact that I can't be satisfied.

It snowed all night and it's still snowing this morning. And it seems like just a week ago that the leaves were falling off the trees. I didn't get enough time to step on all the crunchy leaves. I didn't wear all my cute sweaters before I had to break out the big coats. I haven't had enough of the warm sunshine. There was hardly a transition or warning before everything slowly dying and changing, died and changed. 

And as I was thinking about it this morning, I realized I am never satisfied. I have a fatal condition, called Humanity, possibly Immaturity, where I can't get enough. I long for everything temporary to be everlasting. When I experience something good, I want to keep experiencing it. I foolishly chase after the selfish desires of my fleshly heart only to be left wanting more all over again. 

The seasons mirror our lives. Because of the natural laws of the universe, things change. Nothing ever stays the same. Seasons as fulfilling as Spring, Summer, and Fall, will always fade into Winter. Most of the time abruptly, without time for transition. Without warning or caution. 

No good thing lasts forever. And that's just something I'm going to have to learn to accept. Get as warm as I can during the Summer so the Winter doesn't seem so cold. 

But still, I'm pouring unsatisfactory water into a bottomless cup. I know it's bottomless, yet I still pour and try to fill it with this water that has no everlasting value. 

I know it's cliche', but I'm gonna say it. People search their whole lives to find that one thing they have yet to find. 

There has to be something that will satisfy, so they search only to become more lost. 

They drink, often and much, only to become more thirsty. 

They think they've found it, but the winds shift and suddenly it's buried under layers upon layers of snow. 

To me, the answer it obvious: 

 If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.   C.S. Lewis

The open road.

Is it wrong to trust God to turn a mistake you made into something good? I feel like it is, but I feel like it's wrong to feel like that...




Everything happens for a reason, I believe that with everything I am. 
But even things that are in my control?
The mistakes and choices I make- do I make them for a reason, or because I make them, does God then come up with a reason?




Destiny, fate, and God's will is hard to grasp.
How do we know the difference between what's destined to be and our own will? 


The way I see it, we're all on our own planned path.
On that path there are roadblocks, detours, valleys, hills, boulders, furry animals, etc., (a.k.a. blessings and trials) that were placed there for a reason. 
Also along this path are choices, or forks in the road in which one way leads to something different than the other. 


This is where I get lost... what if you choose the wrong path? 
Is a completely different plan and purpose created? Or does this path eventually converge back with the original plan? 


The great thing is, no matter which way we choose, we're most likely unaware whether it was the right choice or not because life moves along, the path keeps going, and we have no idea where it's going. 
We don't know when it meets up with the original, and we don't know if it doesn't, and we don't know if we're even on the wrong or right path.




Which brings me to another question: Is there a 'wrong' or 'right' path?



The 'right' path, I think, is the original. If both options at the fork in the road are beneficial and in tune with what you believe morally, then I think both are right. 


The 'wrong' path, I think, is anything but the original. 


Because of our free-will, we have the option to step off this path at any point in time and trudge through the wilderness. 
In doing that, we miss the hills and furry animals on the original path. 


So back to my first question: do we eventually find our way back to the original, or is a new path created because of our choice to step off the original?






I just don't know, and I don't think I ever will. Sigh.

To learn, to love, to serve

My purpose in life. One, no more important than the other.

Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

"The path of least resistance leads to crooked rivers and crooked men." - Henry David Thoreau


Sometimes... I'd just like to give up. 
Sometimes I look at the things I work toward and wonder why I bother trying if it's never going to get any easier. 
Why do I strive for integrity, morality, knowledge, talent and spirituality when I know I can never achieve perfection in any one of them?


Giving into my human nature would be so.much.easier. Letting what's been innately programmed into my being take over sounds so... freeing. For some reason that I've yet to understand, I was created to deny myself, and as everyone knows: that's not easy. I want ease. I want to go with the flow, for once. 


But that's weakness at it's finest. Giving up on what I know is right and worthwhile because I'm too tired and fed up to carry on is cheating myself of the rewards waiting at the end of the race. 


I don't think I could ever let myself give in. As tempting as a nice relaxing float down the stream of conformity sounds, fortunately, I've floated enough to know it's never worth it in the end. And before you know it you're much farther down the stream from the ultimate goal than you ever thought you'd be.

?

I love people that ask a lot of questions. 


Because you don't always know the answer until the question is asked. Even the simplest of questions can reveal your deepest desires, needs, and values. 



Even if the answer is "I don't know", you're on your way to knowing. 

And then you learn something about yourself. 

Strength vs Weakness

Lately I've been seeing a strong theme of strength vs weakness. Kind of creepily, actually. 
For about a week there I'd have a conversation about strength or weakness with all different people, all pertaining to different things. 


I gathered: (according to others' opinions)
Strength is doing what's right when no one is watching, or integrity.
Strength is doing what you most need over what you most want.
Strength is not giving up on something you've set your mind to.
Strength is hiding your emotions at all costs.
Strength is pride.


Weakness is vulnerability.
Weakness is giving in to your desires.
Weakness is the fall after the pride.
Weakness is transparency.


As I try to sort through my thoughts on it, and try to understand the differences, I find it a little funny that we try so hard to be strong when it's inevitably impossible. We are by nature, weak. We were created to need something bigger than ourselves. We were created weak because God's power is made perfect in our weakness and His glory and love shines brightly through it all.

"I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence... Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow me to bless you richly through it." -Jesus Calling

Weakness is vulnerability.
                Or is there strength in being unguarded?
Weakness is giving in to your desires.
                Or is there strength in not giving up on your desires?
Weakness is the fall after the pride.
                Or is there strength in picking yourself up off the floor, realizing you're not as strong as you think you are? Is ultimate strength found in humility?
Weakness is transparency.
                Or is there strength in letting people see that you're not perfect?




To conclude, weakness results in strength and strength results in weakness.


It's a vicious cycle... such is life.

Undefined

I like definitions. Because definitions are concrete, they solidify the meaning of something, they settle the score, they can't be changed by anyone that feels the need to change them. 


m-w.com is one of my favorite websites. 
^^^link

DEFINITION

1

: an act of determining

2  : a statement expressing the essential nature of something
3  : the action of the power of describing, explaining, or making definite and clear


Defining yourself is not much different than defining a word. 
Your definition is your essential nature, and it can't be changed by anyone.


Defining yourself is the act of determining. 


There are a few different ways of defining yourself:
Through the eyes of other people
Through the eyes of yourself
Through the eyes of a Higher Power


Like everything, whichever route you choose, each has with it it's pros and cons.


Through the eyes of other people:
Pros:
-If people generally like you, you've got a good self-image
-Sometimes other people see things in you that you don't see, good or bad
Cons:
-You become dependent on others' opinions
-If it's a single person you're being defined by, you're completely lost when that person is gone
-You stop trying to know yourself when all that matters is how other people know you
-Everything becomes about pleasing people, and upholding to their standards


Through the eyes of yourself:
Pros:
-You don't let anyone tell you who to be or who you are
-You can be whoever you want to be
Cons:
-You will never be exactly who you want to be
-You see all the flaws that no one else sees
-You rarely let people in deep enough to see who you truly are


Through the eyes of a Higher Power:
Pros: 
-If this Higher Power is unconditionally loving, you know that no matter who your are, no matter your worst flaw, and no matter what mistakes you make, It sees you as perfect
-If this Higher Power is all-knowing, It knows you down to every cell in your body, and loves you anyway
-If this Higher Power is all-powerful, It can give you the strength to overcome whatever it is that weighs you down the most.
Cons:
-I can't think of any cons...


Also like everything else, finding your definition is a process.


I'm in the process of finding my definition. For so long I let myself be defined by people, which prevented me from truly knowing who I am, and truly seeing my worth for what it is. 


Depending on what you choose to be defined by, the steps are different. I've decided that I cannot be defined by people. So i tried to define myself. And after I did that, I realized my only true definition can be found in God, or my "Higher Power".


For me, this was/is the process:
Step one:
Realizing my definition/value is not in a person or people. 
Understanding how that is destructive.


Step two:
Trying to define myself/learning about myself in a different light.


Step three:
Hating myself because of what I see. Judging myself based on who I am and who I'm not.


Step four:
Seeing how God defines me based on His unconditional love, all-knowingness, and all-powerfulness. 


Step five:
Being defined by God's love and in turn loving myself, and letting that love grow and change me. 




I'm not quite to step five, but I'm making progress. Every once in a while I let my emotions take me back to step negative one. But the beauty of it is that it's much easier to get back to step four knowing what I know now. 


The definition I find in people and in myself puts me in a box. No room for change or adaptation. It's concrete. It's unsatisfying. 
The definition I find in God puts me in a place with infinite space. It gives me value and hope. There's room for improvement and room for the satisfaction of knowing I'm loved no matter what I am or what I do. 




There's only moving forward from here.

Judge not, lest you shall be judged.

What makes us do the things we do?
What makes us say the things we say?
What makes us believe the things we believe?




A person's character is made up of so much more than could possibly meet our shallow eyes. 




I despise judgement.

Processing

Everything is a process. Everything takes time. 
Nothing happens over night. 


I'm in transit. I'm processing. 


I'm in the process of healing.
I'm in the process of moving on.
I'm in the process of acceptance.
I'm in the process of placing my value in Christ.
I'm in the process of surrender.
I'm in the process of learning.
I'm in the process of letting go.


And I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Even though I haven't reached the end, at least I'm on my way. 
One wrong turn can reverse all my progress. One emotional day can make me forget everything I've learned.  


I'm processing, going through all the steps and all the stages. 


And it's about time.

Easier said than done

Learn:
to gain knowledge or understanding of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience 


Learning has a process.
And it may be different for everyone.
But I'm starting to realize, for me, it's a very long process.


Leaning something is one thing,
but actually applying it is a whole separate shindig. 


Learning from experience/decisions
Step one:
We make a decision
Step two:
We decide whether the decision was good or bad
Step three:
If a good decision, we do it again
If a bad decision, we don't do it again


Or if you're me...

Step three:
If a good decision, I do it again
If a bad decision, I do it again


Learning from instruction:
Step one:
Someone tells us their opinion, or what they see as "truth"
Step two:
We decide whether we agree or not
Step three:
If we agree, we follow the instructions
If we don't agree, we don't follow the instructions


Or if you're me..


Step three:
If I agree, I don't follow the instructions
If I don't agree, I don't follow the instructions


Learning from study:
Step one: 
We read, hear, or see something new/refreshing
Step two:
We decide whether we agree or not
Step three:
If we agree, we apply it
If we don't agree, we don't apply it


Or if you're me...


Step three:
If I don't agree, I don't apply it
If I agree, I don't apply it


Get the idea? 


Learning is more than gaining knowledge or understanding.
It's doing. We can gain all the knowledge we want, but it doesn't mean anything unless we put it to use. 


One of my life's goals is to never stop learning. 


But I don't learn. I gain knowledge and understanding, quite easily, but fail to use it. I fail to apply what I learn from study, instruction and experience to my life. 
I make so many mistakes over and over and over, only to do it again. 
For some reason, I get stuck in step two. 


I don't understand why I get stuck, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of making the same mistakes, and feeling like a failure once again.




So my new goal is to learn how to learn.