Lady in waiting.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

Do you not know? 

   Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and his understanding no one can fathom. 

He gives strength to the weary 

   and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint.

I'm waiting. For a lot of things, really. A lot of things that are out of my control. 

I'm waiting. For a door, maybe. So I can know where to go from here. 

I'm waiting. For a million answers. Answers that are probably better off unknown.

I'm waiting. For chances. Chances to live and breathe out of my comfort zone.

I'm waiting. To become my own person. So I can have the things my heart longs for.

I'm waiting. For the will of God. For the divine will that's much wiser than my own. 

I'm waiting. For a sign, or an arrow. So I don't have to make these decisions alone. 

I'm waiting. To be done waiting. So that I can know. So that I can breathe. So that I can see the finish line, the bigger picture, and the purpose for my waiting. 

I'm a lady in waiting, a damsel in distress. Waiting... and waiting, for her savior to sweep her off her feet. 

What's the matter, afraid of the dark?

Monophobia 

The fear of being alone. 

Atychiphobia

Fear of failure.

Decidophobia 

Fear of making decisions.

I am an individual and I was created that way. I was never meant to be sufficient on another human being. God created me with a brain and a heart in my own separate body for a reason: to use them. They cannot be manipulated by someone else, they cannot be changed or silenced or cut out without going into multi-system organ failure (I learned that from Grey's Anatomy). 

I can't be afraid of being my own person. I can't be afraid of making mistakes. I can't be afraid of taking responsibility for those mistakes. I can't be afraid of accepting consequences, good or bad. I can't be afraid of failure and discomfort because that's how I learn. I am an individual, created to make my own decisions and mistakes so I can learn for myself how to pick myself up off the floor, should I fall down, and move on. I was created with an individual brain and heart to find my own true understanding rather than following the leader and living in a monotonous "Simon Says" game. I am the leader. I am the decider. I am my own person, I am a human being who stumbles. I am a human being who succeeds. I am a human being who loves and learns for myself, by myself, and from myself. 

I will be who I am and I will let no one change or cloud who that is.

Nyctophobia

The fear of the dark.

The fear of the dark is a common fear among children and to a varying degree is observed for adults. Fear of the dark is usually not fear of the darkness itself, but fear of possible or imagined dangers concealed by the darkness (Wikipedia). 

I'm not afraid of the dark in the literal sense, but I am, yes, in the figurative sense. I'm afraid of what's hiding in the shadows; I'm afraid that the dark will just get darker; I'm afraid that there will be no light at the end of the tunnel. But how foolish of me.

God is outside of time. My finite brain cannot comprehend the thought of time being nonexistent because time is such a HUGE part of my life, everything I do is dependent on time, so it makes sense that I wouldn't understand. Because God has no aspect of time, He's already in the future. In fact, He's in the past all the while being in the present. He has planned out my life so meticulously in a way that nothing is without purpose, because why would a loving God make something happen for no reason? Why would He put me through something that he knows won't benefit the future that He's already in. My life is a novel and every word, sentence, and page is already written. 

I'm walking blindly through a dark, shadowy valley. I'm running in every direction in search for a way out so that the sun may warm my skin again. Stop. Be still. Don't be afraid. 

I will not be afraid as I walk through the darkness, because I know that no matter how dark, I will see the light. 

If my God is always a step ahead, then what is there to be afraid of? 

So once again.. I let go. I let go of the fear and the phobias.

I won't be afraid because I have someone constantly holding my hand. I won't be afraid because when I walk into that light, it will be so much lighter than I could have ever imagined. 

Psalm 56:3

When I am afraid, I will trust in You.

Pierced.

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

Anger:
Psalm 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

Psalm 86:15
But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Ecclesiastes 7:9
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools

1 Corinthians 13:5
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Ephesians 4:26
“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,


Ephesians 4:31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Colossians 3:8
But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

James 1:20
because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Self-Control
Proverbs 25:28
Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.

Galatians 5:23
gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law

Titus 2:12
It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,

2 Peter 1:5-7
 5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.

Patience
Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.

2 Corinthians 6:6
in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;

Colossians 1:11
being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

James 1:3
knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

James 1:4
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Selfishness
Psalm 119:36
Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.

Philippians 2:2-4
2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.


James 3:14
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.

James 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

1 Corinthians 13:5
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Bitterness
Proverbs 14:10
The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy.

Acts 8:22-24
22 Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. 23 For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity.”

Ephesians 4:31
Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

Ephesians 4:31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

James 3:11
Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Indecisive.

Life is full of choices. Every moment we make a choice. A choice to take that next breath, to say what's on our mind, to step out of our comfort zone and discover new things about ourselves. Yes, life is full of choices. I'm an indecisive person, but I'm trying to change. So my first step toward being decisive is making the decision to be. I've made the decision to make choices. These are the choices I've made so far:

Choice #1
I will not let other people affect my decisions. I will not let other people's decisions and/or mistakes affect my decisions.

• Being angry is a decision.
• Feeling guilty is a decision.
• Being hurt is a decision.
• Wallowing in self-pity is a decision.

Choice #2
I will focus on myself and how God is working in me. I will let God take control, and take my need for control from me.

Choice #3
I will not waste time, effort, and emotion trying to change things that are out of my control.

Choice #4
I will not waste time, effort, and emotion focusing on/longing for the past nor will I waste time, effort, and emotion on worrying about the future. I will focus on one day at a time and how I can make the choices to best learn and grow from each passing moment.


So, there it is... We'll see how this goes.

Inspiration.

I've been lacking inspiration for quite a while now, until I made the decision to get out of St.George and visit my family in Price, as a nice distraction. Sure enough, inspiration was hiding here in the relaxation and peace of Grama's house. 

Along with finding inspiration, I've been on a roll of learning lately with my recent heart ache and the realization that I'm nothing but a selfish person. This vulnerable and empty state I'm in has led to a lot of self-discovery and a lot of being filled with the things I should have been filled with long ago. 

Letting Go

I've been stuck in this rut of selfishness,
my need to control is nothing less
than a lack of trust that you are who you say you are.
I'm left empty, lost, and searching for more,
craving the comfort I knew before,
but my path is already laid,
with the beauty of your grace
You know I'm weak and you provide the strength
I need.

Take all my thoughts,
take my dreams,
take everything now, Jesus.
Take my desires,
my whole heart,
catch my tears in your hands.
Take my concerns,
take my plans
and make them yours.

The hardest part is letting go 
of all the things I've always known
to be mine to hold for all my life to come.
Lord, you've opened my eyes to your majestic love,
and all I am is not enough
but the price is already paid,
with the beauty of your grace
my heart will sing how great
you are.

I  give up, I let go, I surrender

Take all that I am and do whatever
you've planned... because
I know you won't forsake your promise
that I am wrapped in your unfailing love.
I am wrapped in your unfailing love.