Processing

Everything is a process. Everything takes time. 
Nothing happens over night. 


I'm in transit. I'm processing. 


I'm in the process of healing.
I'm in the process of moving on.
I'm in the process of acceptance.
I'm in the process of placing my value in Christ.
I'm in the process of surrender.
I'm in the process of learning.
I'm in the process of letting go.


And I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Even though I haven't reached the end, at least I'm on my way. 
One wrong turn can reverse all my progress. One emotional day can make me forget everything I've learned.  


I'm processing, going through all the steps and all the stages. 


And it's about time.

Easier said than done

Learn:
to gain knowledge or understanding of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience 


Learning has a process.
And it may be different for everyone.
But I'm starting to realize, for me, it's a very long process.


Leaning something is one thing,
but actually applying it is a whole separate shindig. 


Learning from experience/decisions
Step one:
We make a decision
Step two:
We decide whether the decision was good or bad
Step three:
If a good decision, we do it again
If a bad decision, we don't do it again


Or if you're me...

Step three:
If a good decision, I do it again
If a bad decision, I do it again


Learning from instruction:
Step one:
Someone tells us their opinion, or what they see as "truth"
Step two:
We decide whether we agree or not
Step three:
If we agree, we follow the instructions
If we don't agree, we don't follow the instructions


Or if you're me..


Step three:
If I agree, I don't follow the instructions
If I don't agree, I don't follow the instructions


Learning from study:
Step one: 
We read, hear, or see something new/refreshing
Step two:
We decide whether we agree or not
Step three:
If we agree, we apply it
If we don't agree, we don't apply it


Or if you're me...


Step three:
If I don't agree, I don't apply it
If I agree, I don't apply it


Get the idea? 


Learning is more than gaining knowledge or understanding.
It's doing. We can gain all the knowledge we want, but it doesn't mean anything unless we put it to use. 


One of my life's goals is to never stop learning. 


But I don't learn. I gain knowledge and understanding, quite easily, but fail to use it. I fail to apply what I learn from study, instruction and experience to my life. 
I make so many mistakes over and over and over, only to do it again. 
For some reason, I get stuck in step two. 


I don't understand why I get stuck, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of making the same mistakes, and feeling like a failure once again.




So my new goal is to learn how to learn.

I am more

Sometimes, other people sum it up so much better than we can. Definitely needed this today.

There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 

You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

"You can't live for god until you learn how to live because of God.

You can't make good choices until you understand that the choices you make don't make you who you are. 

What Christ has done for you makes you who you are. 

Where we end up is not who we are.

Who we are is not what we do, but what has been done for us.

If you're good, you're more than your success. If you're bad, you're more than your failures.

You're more than your choices, you're more than your mistakes, you are the sum of the Father's love for us. And that's who we are. We're not struggling to be free. If we're in Christ, we're free to struggle."

-Mike Donehey

Vertigo

In dance, the one thing I struggle with the most is balance. 

In relationships, it's one of the things I struggle with the most as well. 

I'm a people-pleaser to the core. 

All I want is to like everyone and for everyone to like me. 

It's a good thing that I like everyone, but not a good thing when my need for everyone to like me is the reason I like everyone. That's not the case all the time, I genuinely love people. And I generally look for the good in people naturally. Unless I have someone else's opinion as my predisposition. Which is another thing about me: my opinion is so easily altered, but that's beside the point. 

I can't handle when someone is mad or unhappy with me, so I try as hard as I can to prevent that from happening. 

But, I always seem to underestimate the number of people I want to keep happy. 

I'm really bad at prioritizing. I'm really bad at balancing my relationships. When I'm focusing on someone, they get all my attention, and I forget my other priorities. 

But I don't know how to fix this. 

Prioritize and balance, of course. But those words are so foreign to me. I see the details, not the bigger picture. Priority and balance both require seeing the bigger picture. 

I envy people that have the ability to focus on the bigger picture and make decisions accordingly. 

Don't get me wrong, there are benefits to being detail-oriented for sure. But, as my good friend the wannabe philosopher always says, "it's all about the balance". 

When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. 

Nothing's ever as it seems.

The sooner I realize that, the happier I will be. I can stop expecting things to be the way I see and feel them to be and expect to be constantly surprised. 

There's always an ulterior motive, or a hidden emotion, or a silver lining. And that's always how it's always going to be. The universe and all it's laws don't change. God and His promises don't change. People and their human nature don't change. 

It's me that's got to change. It's my surrounding that have got to change. It's me that's got to adapt to my surroundings and learn how to function and flourish in them.

There are so many things I've yet to realize about myself and about this world I live in. I've got to open my eyes because nothing is what I think it is. Nothing is going to change or adapt to me...it's going to change no matter what, and I'm the one that has to adapt.

And change is good. Change makes me learn. It's the one thing in life that I can count on not changing, besides God, of course.

Accept it. Learn from it. And let the change, change you in all the ways it needs to. 

Because change is inevitable. And nothing is ever as it seems.