Though I stumble, I won't fall..

Psalm 37:23-24

The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

I'm always coming back to this place

where I'm the one hurting, searching for Your face

Why do I keep trying to take hold of the reigns?

Why do I bend until I finally break?

But my shaken world can't crumble,

You hold it with Your hand

Even when all I do is wonder,

where in the world I'll land.

You'll forever be my constant,

the Rock on which I stand,

though I stumble I won't fall 

You hold me with Your hand.

Though I stumble I won't fall,

You hold me with Your hand.

Teach me the difference between giving up,

and letting go.

Break me into pieces until

Your healing is all I know.

I'll fall on You, Jesus.

I'll fall on Your grace.

Inexpressible

This love. This joy. This peace.
It's a river flowing through my veins, quenching every vessel.
It's a fire burning in my heart, igniting every beat.
My heart breaks at the inability to tell it all.
My breath comes short to sing of His glory. 
My soul yearns for His presence.
It yearns to see His face, to kiss His lips, to be held in His arms.
My soul longs to rest at His feet, to serve Him humbly, to wash His feet with my tears.

Oh my God, there are no words.

Nothing can explain, nothing can contain, nothing can retain, nothing can detain this
overwhelming,
everlasting,
all consuming, 
never ending,
unrelenting,
beautiful,
graceful,
majestic,
peaceful, 
and satisfying 


love. 



For too long I thought of God as merely a deity, a far-off being that tells me what to do and that helps when I need Him. 
But He's so much more.
He's so much closer.
Closer than any human being could ever be. Closer than even my conscience. 
Closer than my own awareness of myself.
He's a part of me. We are one.
He lives inside of me. 
We are invited to have an intimate relationship with Him. 
He knows everything about us, and loves us anyway.
He is everything we've ever longed for. 
Every desire fulfilled.
He is the man of my dreams.
He is the very beat of my heart.
He is my first and last love. 
His deepest desire is to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires. 
He's a hopeless romantic.
He's mine, and I am His. 
He's the greatest love story of all time. 


And,
when we finally make it home, 
all these words that can't be uttered,
this love that can't be comprehended, 
the knowledge of the goodness of God,
and the unsearchable and unfathomable things of His love 
will all be revealed. 
As soon as we step into the glory of His presence,
understanding will hit us like a tidal wave. 
This fire that couldn't break out of my being before will consume me and I will see Him for who He is.
I will understand the depths of His love. 
I will finally be able to proclaim and express the deep and everlasting love and fullness of Him. 

And my only response will be to worship Him for the rest of eternity. 
And not even eternity will be long enough to sing of His glory. 

Job 5:18

Job 5:18

"For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal."

Why do we wander through the wilderness?

So that we find the Promise Land

Why do we go through famine?

So we can have a harvest.

Why are we consumed by the fire?

So life can be renewed.

Why are we wounded?

So we can be healed.

Why do we experience winter?

So we are blessed even more by the summer.

Why do we walk through darkness?

So the light is so much brighter.

Why does everything change?

So we cling to the One who doesn't.

We experience the bad so that God's good is so much better.

God allows us to be broken so that He can reveal Himself as the ultimate healer.

He allows us to wander through the wilderness so that He can prove that He never forgot His promises.

He knows that without the darkness, we would never notice His light.

He knows that without the winter, we wouldn't appreciate His summer.

He knows that the only way to be renewed is through the fire. 

He knows that the regrowth is so much more beautiful when it comes from ashes. 

And He loves revealing Himself in the end. 

We're always surprised when He shows up. But He's not. 

He does it on purpose. His heart breaks with ours, but His joy abounds with ours when He gets to put the pieces back together in front of our awestruck eyes. 

He wrote the end of the story, along with every step it takes to get there. So why are we surprised when we realize that the steps we took really did have a purpose? Why are we surprised when He works it out?

He wants to empty us  of ourselves, so He can fill us to overflowing with Him.

He wants to make us so sick and tired of the food of this world that we realize our deeper hunger for Him. 

Through the healing of our broken hearts, they learn to beat for Him. 

We're out of breath from running away, so that His breath of life can fill our lungs. 

Our broken bones make us immobile so that He can carry us.

We hunger so He can satisfy.

We fall so He can pick us up.

We search so He can be found.

And we get lost so He can find us. 

God created the cycles of this life as a direct parallel to His everlasting love for us. So often we are blinded by the circumstances, and fail to see His plan being unfolded through them.

Hallelujah.

Beautifully broken.

It's that place of brokenness that we all dread. 
When you hit the dead end. 
When you fall to the cold ground. 
When you wake up someone unfamiliar.
When your whole world falls apart. 

But brokenness is beautiful. Because how can we be healed if we're not broken?
How can we be found if we're not lost?

Brokenness is beautiful, because that's when God puts you back together. 
He will allow us to be broken, so He can show His almighty love by picking up the pieces. 
He will pick up the pieces and put us back together as a new creation. 


We should want to be broken. We should want to be weak. We should want to be anything other than unbreakable. 
Because in our brokenness and weakness, God's healing and strength is radiantly revealed. 

He will not waste the pain. He will remedy and heal until you know that it's only because of His great love, only by His abundant grace, and all for His glory. 



Blessed are the lost, for they will be found. 
And blessed are the broken, for they will be healed. Matthew 5 (paraphrased by Morgan).


Brokenness is beautiful, because it leads to surrender.
Surrender is beautiful because it leads to healing. 
And healing, because it leads to praise. 

Pan B

Do you ever feel like you're back at the beginning? Like you went through a whole cycle only to be back where you started. 
Everything you knew is now a question, and everything you questioned is now a bigger question. 

Plan A failed me. It ruined me. 
But how could I have known it would fail if I didn't take the risk? I couldn't. So I'm grateful. 

So now, here I am at Plan B. 
This plan consists of not really having a plan. 
And it scares the poop out of me. 

But maybe that's the secret. 
By planning every detail we've failed already because there's no way it'll all work out the way we planned. 
I guess that's the beauty of a Plan B. And C. And possibly D.
Process of elimination. 
But I'm sure after getting to Q, R, and S, starting over becomes the routine, and it would feel like it's time to just stick with the letter you're on. 
Settling. 
Which, isn't always a bad thing.

But even when we settle, we're still searching. 
Isn't it strange how life pulls us by  the constant ebbs and flows of its waves?
Isn't it interesting how little control we have? Swimming as hard as we can against the flow only causes us to grow tired. 

The shore is the goal. 
The warm sandy beach where we think we will finally be happy, we will finally be satisfied. 

But we're all human here. Maybe Michael Phelps is the exception, but the rest of us are no match for the strong current at war against us. 
We seem to get close, or possibly even feel the grains between our toes, but as soon as we start to feel comfortable, we're ripped by the tide back to being lost at sea.

We swim our lives away, often calling "land ho!", expecting buried treasure and paradise, only to be left empty once again. 

Part of our human condition, possibly worse than our imperfection, is our never ending search of satisfaction. Our search for rest, peace, happiness, hope, and love. 
And not realizing that we're never going to find it. 
Men have voyaged to the ends of the earth. No land un-tread, and no sea un-sailed, and still this dream is no where to be found. 

Our world is lacking the one resource we all so desperately need more than anything else. 

So, why don't we look somewhere else? The only solution would be that it's not here. We were made for somewhere else (C.S. Lewis paraphrased). 


We swim all day, every day. Trying to get somewhere. Anywhere. 
We're searching for a Source of peace to still our anxious and discontent hearts. 

And ironically, it's when we stop treading that we experience the peaceful weightlessness. We let the water embrace us in its arms and carry us wherever it goes. 
When we realize that this peace is the very thing we were fighting against, we find our footing and can walk through any storm. 

When we stop fighting the current and frantically searching for comfort, the Living Water will carry us and take the burden of the waves of life. It will offer us a life jacket. It will offer us satisfaction.

When we stop fighting the current, the Current will fight for us. 

Some may say, "just keep swimming,"
but I believe that we find our Strength in sinking. 

Broken toys

We're all broken people.
We're missing parts that we've lost on the long journey. 
We don't work like we were manufactured to work.


We're all just broken toys. 


With missing parts and dead batteries and melted plastic. 
The wear and tear of everyday life has broken us to the point of being unfixable. 
Our flaws would never pass a safety inspection. They're a choking hazard. 
We belong in the box labeled "yard sale" or "donate".
We deserve to be thrown away. 


Because we broke ourselves. And we broke each other. 
We played recklessly on playgrounds and loved only ourselves. 
We were doomed from the moment we left the factory. 
As soon as the seal on our package was opened for us to be revealed to the real world, we were flawed with scratches and bite marks that super glue can only do so much to fix.  
Our brokenness is past the point of fixable. We will never be the same shiny collector's item that left the warehouse. 
Our flaws have made us worthless. 


But how is that our fault if we were doomed from the start?
We were invented--not by choice. 
We were created against our will to live in this prison where we are damned to be broken. 




But thank God that we have the chance to be set free from our pending doom. 
Thank God we have a healing remedy stronger than any super glue. 
Thank God we have the chance to be remade.
Thank God that our broken parts can be recycled and made into a new creation.
A new creation with the freedom to be made new over and over again, not bound by the filth around, and not destined to be broken forever. 
Thank God we can be rescued from the labeled boxes and garbage cans.
Thank God someone decided we were worth a great price and thank God that price was paid.
Thank God we were purchased for the purpose to be set free. 
Thank God.


We're all broken people.
We're all broken toys.
But thank God we have a healer.
And thank God our God is GREEN. 

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, and the new is here!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

Chemistry, and stuff.

There is a hormone called Oxytocin.
There is also a hormone called Vasopressin. 
These hormones are sometimes referred to as the "love hormone"
They are responsible for emotional bonding. Oxytocin in women, and vasopressin in men. 


We humans bond together. Like atoms. Covalent and ionic bonds, and stuff like that. 




We give our bodies, our hearts, our minds, and our very souls to another person and we never get it all back. 
We're stuck like a bug in fly paper. We become one molecule. Once formed, covalent bonds rarely break. It requires effort. 
So we struggle to break it. But it's not easy. 


Because that bond wasn't meant to be broken. 
It was meant to last a lifetime. We weren't made to break up after we've given someone everything. 
We form the bond with the expectation that it's never going to break. It forms when we open ourselves up enough to let someone in, when we trust them to never hurt us in our vulnerable state. 


So, if or when you break up, a lot of things happen emotionally that we can't understand. 
We watch the carrier of our soul living as a half as we walk around as the thing that once made them whole.  
Everything inside is trying to keep that bond together causing jealousy, bitterness, depression, etc. 
We're trying to be whole again. 
We long to be with those pieces that we gave away. 
It's unnatural and it's not supposed to happen. 


These bonds were meant to have a commitment of a lifetime.
We need to know that the person we've given everything to isn't going to abuse it, leave when they get bored, and isn't going to judge us. But is going to cherish our gift and take care of it. 
We need them to love us as they see the pieces of our insides scattered on the table. 
Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. 
Until death causes them to part. 


But, what do we do?
We can't just close ourselves off and never let anyone in. 
But the more we give ourselves away, the harder it is the next time. The harder it gets to open up and trust again. The harder our hearts become. 


And we don't realize these things until we've gone through it. Until we're living our lives wondering why everything inside of us is telling us to repair the damage instead of letting it be broken.


But God can heal all things. 
And through the ashes He reveals His beauty.
The end justifies the pain.
His hand orchestrates every tiny detail as it catches every tear.
And He knows the end of journey, He sees all the reasons and the outcomes and the lessons. 
He can heal the scars left from the broken bond. 
We just have to let Him.