Losing Control

I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.

I'm not a controlling person, I don't think, when it comes to other people. But when it comes to myself, I will fight like crazy to control my life. 

I've realized this off an on throughout my life, but I just recently realized the extremity of my need to control. 

I tell myself I'm trusting that everything will work out for my benefit. I tell myself that I don't need to worry about my future because it's already planned out, and it won't be the way I plan it anyway.

But my actions prove differently. 

I don't know why I'm so scared to just let go of everything I want. 

All these passions and dreams I have are great,  but they can also be binding of my true purpose.

I want to control. Particularly, I want to control my dreams.

I let my love for dance, music, people, nutrition, fitness, you name it, become goals and plans rather than gifts to be used for the purpose of serving God and people. Just because I'm interested in something, doesn't mean it's a sign that I have to pursue it. 

Dream #1: Dance

I came to SUU to dance. Because I love it so much, knowing deep down that it's selfish for me. I love dance because it makes me feel good. I love dance because it's a way of expressing myself in ways that I can't express otherwise. I love dance because it's challenging, and it feels so good when I see improvement. I love dance because it's beautiful. 

And that's selfish. I don't do it because it makes other people feel good.  I wish that I could say I do it for other people. But I do it for me, and only me.

And for a long time I was unwilling to consider any other option for my life. 

I begged God not to make me give it up. Literally, begging Him. I still do. 

It's pure pride. It's not a God given talent that I can use in ways to glorify Him.  

I wasn't born a dancer. 

It's something I've worked at and made myself to be. I used to be super awkward, but through dedication and practice I've gotten better. 

I take pride in that. Not outwardly, but internally. 

I don't give God the credit for any of it because it's something I decided to do, something I put the work into, and something I get the benefit for. 

I've realized my love for dance is prideful, selfish, and unsatisfying. 

So, I fought God on this subject for a long time. I pursued this vain dream of being a performer and choreographer, trying to fit God in it, rather than pursuing God and letting Him fit this dream in somewhere. 

I hate that I came to this realization. Because I want so much to be blind to any other controlling force in my life. And I want so much to live that life of a dancer. Auditioning, rehearsing, performing, choreographing. The more I do it, the more I love it. 

But something has to give. It doesn't get more satisfying the more I do it, and God's whisper on my selfish heart isn't just going to go away. I will forever feel guilty that I'm pursuing the passion I created, rather than the passion that God gave me.

So, I'm trying my best to give God the control of this dream. 

I'm giving it up. I will continue to take dance classes, possibly audition, but I need to set my focus elsewhere, and trust that God will grant me this dream if or when I'm ready to use it for His purpose. 

I will never be able to clearly see God's will if I'm looking for it through my peripheral vision. 

Dream #2: Music

Ever since I was a tiny little girl, I wanted to be a singer. Like Brittney Spears. Oh man, that's all I ever wanted in life. 

And I still do. NOT like Brittney Spears, thank God, but I still have a desire to write music, and be in a touring band, with fans, and merchandise, and the whole shebang. 

Now, this dream is a little better. Because I can give God the credit for any talent I posses, and because I feel like it's easier to use for God's glory and the helping of others.

But I'm still not satisfied, and I still use it for my pride. 

So, I have to give it up and trust that God will use it if that's His plan.

Dream #3: Marriage

This is a new realization. I've always wanted to get married. And therefore lived my life as such. Constantly looking at men as potentials, and constantly needing affirmation and attention. 

It's a part of my life that I felt like I could control. 

But I've been proven wrong. Oh boy, have I been proven wrong.

Through countless heartaches, I finally realized that the kind of love and relationship I want isn't going to come from anything I do. 

I'm not going to find it by myself, and searching for it only closes my mind that much more to God's will.

So, I'm changing my perspective.

I am pursuing singleness. 

I am stopping trying to control this area of my life.

I do not need a man to pursue God and His plans. 

I am nowhere near the woman I want to be, and the woman I know God has intended me to be.

I am nowhere near the woman that I would want my future husband to pursue. 

I have to pursue that woman, and find my identity alone before I could ever be a good wife or even girlfriend. 

I've realized my pursuit of men is selfish, prideful, and unsatisfying. So I'm giving it up. It's been my focus for too long. It's been a priority for too long. 

I want to be a servant. A warrior. An advocate for the One that loves me more than any human could.

I want to be that kind of woman that when my feet hit the ground in the morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up." 

I need to be as effective as possible before I could possibly be effective with someone else. 

So I'm giving up this pursuit of marriage, and trusting that God will bring me to the right person in His perfect timing. If I'm supposed to get married at all. 

Dream #4: People

God gave me a burning passion in my soul to help people, and to serve them in any way I can. 

This is my purpose in life. This is what brings me the most satisfaction. So this is what I will pursue. 

I will pursue all the ways I can serve people to the best of my ability. 

And I will trust that in doing this God will bring me to my ultimate purpose in a career, marriage, or dream. 

The more I try to control my life, the more I can't.

The more I follow my own will, the more unsatisfied and left wanting more I am.

 I found my strength in letting go.

I found my peace in lost control.

I found myself outside of me.

I found my sight, blindingly.